What they don't tell you #pregnancy

Oh heyyyyy, I know I owe you a post about toddler sleep issues but for now let's talk about getting knocked up. Well not like how you get knocked up I don't think we need to go there because if you don't now how that happens this blog probably isn't for you. But let's talk about the things people don't tell you about being knocked up, the weird bits, the wobbly bits, the swollen fat bits, the sexy bits, the hairy bits and so much more. We are now 27 weeks pregnant and by we I mean me I've just hit heffalump status and shits getting real I can't roll over without groaning and if I sit on the ground getting up is like a gym work out (totally don't remember what that feels like but I assume its like trying to get off the floor when your the size of a bloody hippo). Just so you all know heffalump so aren't real, we googled it and it's a fictional character from Winnie the Pooh Jared wanted to google it to see if that really is what I resembled 😂.

Ok here we go, it starts off all cute and yay im Pregnant and you've got that great glow and your bumps all cute and compact but then these things start happening and your all hey hey hold on now this is not in my book or my baby mama friends didn't tell me this would happen. Well friends I'm here to tell you what really happens.

You will have serious boob issues, for me I went from like a minus A cup to a double frekin D and my god that shit is crazy. I got stretch marks like you would never believe if I ever wanted to be a topless waiter (I didn't remember I had minus A's lol) but if I did I wouldn't get paid a cent to get these knockers out any more. Now breast feeding and pregnancy your all heyyyy look at the boobies, well I was because I didn't have boobs before so like If I didn't feed Rocky for a bit and they were like juicy melons I would get any one who I could to touch them I loved seeing non mamas reaction to the rock boobs 😂. But then there's the biscuit nipples (Jared's name not mine) your nipples seriously take over the whole boob area like the areola is taking up 3/4 of your tata's and it is literally the size of a biscuit haha.

You get a really hairy tummy basically like a man you get that snail trail down to the pubic area, but it's not as manly lol. This goes away or the hair lightens up again something like that so don't stress to much over this.

You get really stank breath, brush like 10 times a day and use mouth wash. Pregnant woman get more mouth problems I used to get these things called pregnancy tumours with Rocky and they were basically hard lumps in my mouth that hurt heaps it was pretty annoying but I just had to roll with it. Again you stop stanking after you pop the baby out so don't worry to much and if someone says your breath is bad i.e partner just cry then they feel bad and you win.

Sex, Oh yeah the sex when pregnant thing. In my opinion and after talking to other mamas it's all or nothing like some woman I know are all about the sex and they can't get enough to the point of going home at lunch time or meeting with their other half in a break just to get some. I'm sure this is great for the men in your life so if you fit in that category go for it! But be aware the man might not put out its a real thing where they won't touch you for fear they will hurt their child. Example Jared has said during this pregnancy and the last one that he is worried he will hit his child in the head 😳 and I'm sure he's not the only one who's thought this, I tell my mum most things and I was telling her this story because I thought it was so funny and she's all please he can't be that big 😂 (I may be over sharing but he doesn't read the blog so meh lol). I don't have any medical qualifications but I'm pretty sure that's a myth so tell your man to get over it and give you what you want!. Any who the nothing is me this time like seriously Jared's lucky to get it once a week and most nights I literally want to claw his eyeballs out, I'm all oh go away get off me I'm repulsed by the thought. I think it more comes down to being tried and night times are a bitch I want to sleep he turns into a needy clingy new boyfriend who wants to snuggle and spoon oh please I'm ready to fart my way to sleep (farting totally gets them out of the mood you should try it). Rockys pregnancy I'd say I was more down on sex but no thank you this time it's seriously all or nothing.

Farting, you fart more I'm sure of it now I'm already a self confessed farter I don't get how people don't fart around their partners how do you hold that in? It's not good for you. Let it out ladies and if you have made it this far with out farting around them or you got knocked up on a one night stand and your still a bit reserved you will not make it through this pregnancy with out letting one rip in front of someone. I'm a serial farter and Jared always threatens to out me well babe I just did to heaps and heaps of people. He also doesn't think this is real and says I can't blame it on the baby but you can blame everythanggggg on the baby!.

You get a swollen vag, not like right down there well that might be swollen but seriously who can check when your bump is so huge and seriously who wants to check I suggest not to look for a very very long time. I'm talking about just under your belly the front of your vagina you look at when you go toilet, this gets swollen as hell and it basically develops its on fat roll. So this baby doesn't just make you fat in the obvious places your vajayjay will also get chubby.

Sleep is shit and you pee a lot, people tell you this but I want to reiterate its really bad. Rolling over is hard and you grunt and groan when you have to get out of bed to go toilet 500000 times a night it's very very annoying and you get over it super quick plus if you have a toddler like me who's a light sleeper and your house creaks you also dread the possibility of waking up the kid on the way to the toilet.

How you still look pregnant for ages after you give birth and then you go from pregnant to just fat really quickly and you stay in that faze for a while. I loved seeing Kate Middleton when she came out of hospital I was pregnant with Rocky and remember saying to mum wait what she looks pregnant still!!! Thanks Kate I had know idea you still looked hapu after you actually pushed the sucker out. But then from there the tummy goes down but your left with all this swelling and you go from looking pregnant still to just looking like a chubby cuddly teddy bear (but less cute). I had so much fluid my arms were like double the normal size and My face and chin were out of control! I was as swollen as someone who had just got their wisdom teeth out, I basically resembled a chipmunk for at least 3-4 weeks after Rockys birth but at the time I really didn't notice it I had an amazing new babe and was on cloud nine I now look at pictures and am like omg girllllll you were a bloody balloon. My mum got me sucky in undies whilst I was still a bit flabby in the tummy area and it made me feel so much better so I highly recommend that if you are a little worried but never feel pressure to loose any weight until your ready It's nice to have an excuse for the extra junk in the trunk.

How weird movement really is. I swear it's like having an alien inside your womb just trying to claw its way out, don't get me wrong the first feeling of movement is amazing but it gets stranger and stranger towards the end. Just be aware of and I have jumped numerous times after shit got out of hand in there courtesy of the old baby bean partying it up large.

And that lovely ladies is my 2 cents on being pregnant it really is such an amazing thing we do and our bodies wow it amazing the things they tolerate during our pregnancies and births. I hope you now feel more at ease after ready my very real slightly embarrassing recollection of being pregnant. Someone's gotta talk about it or else we all just feel like we are a freak of nature when all of a sudden something weird happens and googles never a good idea don't google ever!!