What to expect once you've expected.

Hello the babe is almost 4 weeks old and I'm not really ok with it but there's not much I can do huh, so I figured I need to get my blog on and stop online shopping (nightmare) and eating chicken nuggets (why online shopping is a nightmare). This is my version of events postpartum all of these things happened to me and they may not happen to you (ah the lucky ones) or you might get other lovely quirky post babe symptoms (the extra lucky ones) either way let's hope we can all relate and feel great about life.

Week one - four.

You've had your baby and it's pretty cute (if it's not don't worry they get cuter with age, Rocky looked like ET I shit you not it was a face only a mother could love like seriously think Benjamin button) the cuteness totally helps you forget about the fact you just pushed a watermelon through your pee hole. For me I had a tear, there's no other way to say it the vag was ripped back up towards the bottom area. I knew it as soon as it happened like it didn't hurt at all but I knew it had happened I remember looking up to mum after that second push when her head came out and said ahh I think I just tore! I did, there was no point dwelling over it though and I soldiered on because I had the rest of the baby to push/pull out and I just had to hope for the best (not tear any more) yep I'm so brave! Lol. With Rocky it was an episiotomy a nice cut by the doctor that was then stitched up beautifully there's not much difference in my opinion between tearing and getting the snip but others will probably disagree, this time how ever I was like please don't sew me up I couldn't bare the thought of it with no drugs! And luckily for me it was such a clean tear and it matched back up perfectly there was no need plus I would of put up a shit kick of a fight.

None of what I just said though is actually where the issues begin, it's the after care you have to worry about. Remember friends you sit on this area, you pee with this area, you poop with this area and when you walk it hurts this area. My god I walked like I had a carrot up my arse for a week or so, I closed my eyes and prayed when I had to pee for a few days, I hyperventilated when I had to poop for the first few times and I couldn't get out of bed very well because you have to keep the legs closed at all times so you kind of do this slithering scissor move to get up off anything. In saying all of that you must pee and you must poop so try and relax I was fortunate enough to not have any stinging when weeing because I'm a really good pisser. TOP TIPS-I've heard taking a wee spray bottle or pump bottle to the toilet with you and flushing that over your bits helps when peeing? Also tea tree in a spray bottle is meant to be great, I had Epsom salt baths every second day to help with the healing you get a bag for like $3.00 at the supermarket and it's so good for you put the whole bag in a nice warm bath.

Pooping oh my this is the one I was most afraid of it was terrifying, it was basically a horror movie featuring me trapped by a poo in the dunny and I couldn't go any where or I was the dumb girl that leaves her high heels on when running and takes off upstairs not outside to the safety of the neighbours (I hate those girls in horror movies). Any who you just need to bite the bullet and do it your midwife won't stop asking you if you've had a bowel motion until you do and then when you finally do do it (I was day three) your all woah that was way more pleasant that expected. In fact the night I finally dropped the kids off at the pool I very proudly shared the acheivement with my family and now I'm still proud as punch sharing it with you! TOP TIPS- breathe, relax, push like really push not pretend push cause your scared (it's ok to push you won't loose your insides or give bith to a sneaky twin), take your time.

While we are still on the topics of bums I'll just quickly touch on haemorrhoids, these are gross don't google them I did just to show Jared cause he didn't understand what they were in his defence I was terrible at describing them I think he throught my whole bottom and intensities and other body parts had fallen out and we're just siting in my undies. Ok so any way this is when you get a wee bobble thingy out your bum hole it's totally common most people get them and they do go away but when you push a baby out with such force it's hard to keep everything intact and nice down there. So your midwife may prescribe you a cream to shrink them or they may go away on their own if you have any concerns have a chat to your LMC or doctor, they are also known as piles and I'm told I am lucky to not have gotten them during pregnancy as well because that's also common amongst us child bearers. You may also experience them coming and going over a few weeks but I promise the go for good eventually, well until you push another kid out. TOP TIPS- when your in he bath or shower you can have a wee feel and if there's something funky happening just give it a gentle push and you can pop it back inside your bum, I've done this it sounds scary but it's totally not. That's really the only tip haemorrhoids are pretty shit lol.

I had a great quick recovery with both kids and I swear it is due to arnica I love arnica. As soon as my waters broke I started taking it and I took religiously for a week or two also drink plenty of water and rest! Don't over do it because it's the pits.

After pains, OMG this is next level. Like I remember them with Rocky but this was like labour all over again they literally feel like contractions I dreaded feeding Ruby and I cried and made weird noises because it hurt so bad but the positive is its your body working to help your recovery. With each after pain your uterus is shrinking back down to normal size which is a great thing I just don't know why it has to hurt so much, apparently it's more intense with subsequent pregnancies/babies but my mum didn't get them with any of her four kids so I guess everyone is different. Just be prepared they don't last long a few days maybe and it's only when feeding but Lordy it was hard. TOP TIP- I used a heat pack on my back when feeding Ruby and it seemed to make the pains more bare able also take some panadol if needed in first 24 hours when they're the worst, rescue remedy whilst feeding also helps.

Nine months without a period then you give birth and it feels like you bleed for nine months it's only 2-4 weeks but it may as well be nine months. I won't go on about this because I talked about it when I wrote the post on "the humble pad" but it's pretty lame, I'm almost in week four and still bleeding not much but enough I couldn't risk gong pad free. It will change from bright red, to pink, to brown, then change back to bright red just to keep you on your toes and then there's a dark red which are all totally normal. Again if you have any concerns or issues talk to your LMC. You will also find you bleed more during feeding in the first week it's weird so I'm warning you. TOP TIP - Sleep on a towel in the first few days just incase there's a lot of blood! Leakage may happen, buy cheap undies I got a 6 pack from Kmart they are big cotton granny undies I can through out if I need to. Don't over do it on the maternity pads you will switch to normal pads in no time and the big mama pads are really uncomfortable and give you chaffing.

Then your milk comes in, I'll do a complete post on breast feeding round two but in the mean time read my breast feeding round one post a few blogs back. Oh and remember you'll probs loose it on this day it's normally around day three you might cry and want to hide in bed all day it's completely normal hello crazy hormones. And then your boobs will hurt heaps like you just got a boob job, you'll also look like you just got a noob job. TOP TIP - be prepared it will hurt but don't be discouraged it gets better and it's amazing. Stay positive. Use Manuka gel pads they are from pharmacys and are gods gift to breast feeding mamas I can't recommend them enough! They're amazing. Always wear pads no one wants to realise they're leaking when in the supermarket cause a baby is crying in a distant isle. Feeding cookies get some and then get more to give yto your breast feeding mates they taste good and help your milk supply win win. Have good comfy maternity bras.

I think that's my four week round up of the weird and wonderful things that happen to you post birth, doesn't it all sound great! It's real unicorns and glitter shit huh? Nah it's not that bad remember your baby gets cuter, and you might get skinnier so yay. I really hope this helps you think your normal in those first few weeks because it's tough as hell and you might be a mess but your a babe of a mess and you brought the mini mess into this world so let's all be proud hot messes together! TOP TIP- I just booked in to get my hair done so I'm a more tidy mess I recommend it for a pick me up somewhere around four weeks. Oh and don't go shopping yet it's a nightmare I tried just take my word for it and don't go. I've grabbed some summer essentials you know elasticated shorts and over sized tees oh and a sweet little jump suit with buttons I can feed in (it's actually not so little lol) I might do a whole post on breast feeding fashion it might be interesting cause I'm not that cool but I'll probs do it any way. Maybe in a few more weeks I'll try again to squeeze into last summers shorts but maybe not.