I've been a sports widow many times before and almost always a basketball widow. But this weekend it went next level because there was no trophy or smelly sports uniforms, no ice packs or strapping because this sport I became widowed to was happening on the Tele in my lounge room. I knew it was coming the leave application was put in well in advance and I accepted on a few conditions which were all full filed but it was still shit and I regretted saying yes almost instantly. He's well trained he doesn't just assume I'll let him off all parental duties at the drop of a hat so he eased me into it knowing it was his best hope, he did a fab job of buttering me up I received blocks of chocolate randomly during the week he smiled sweetly when ever I talked and he took all the morning shifts on his own accord. There was always that elephant in the room knowing he had an altering motive but I went with it some might say I milked it,but let me tell you the milking isn't over yet we've only had the let down.
It started Saturday he planned his day with precision asking kindly when he should go to the gym to make life easiest for me, when did I want to be woken. He's good I'll give him that but even those subtle hints of vomit worthy affection didn't have me worried why should I be? I mean I deal with the two kids on my own all the time. He knew though he knew the full extent of his leave application he wrote the fine print I didn't read it.
12.00 Auckland NRL nines kick off time, that was cool I mean I'd sneakily arranged for dad to take Rocky for an adventure to Mitre 10 or to help wash the car or something ha who's winning now Jared! But then they came home and Rocky was feral possibly as feral as the next two year old but I swear he was worse than a monkey on crack, seriously one time during this 24 hours he was put in time out and he sounded like a monkey on drugs.
It was a long 24 hours because I forgot that it wasn't just two days worth of sport, there was also super bowl on Monday taking it to a shitty shitty 36 hours. But then there's me over here like brah it's super bowl NZ doesn't care about super bowl! But what do you know all of a sudden old mate Jared is a fucking NFL expert. So Sat/Sun was nines, I like league but I don't like league when I have a baby hanging off my tit and a toddler trying to kick the baby in the face, Jared over there he hadn't noticed and if he did notice he's pretending he hasn't noticed either way well played daddyo well played. We made it through Saturday just but Sunday shit team that was a whole nother kettle of fish, Rocky woke early then proceeded to hate life until I let him up at six. Jared got up with him but not before I had to deal with his two year old sass demanding to get out of bed at 5.15am oh and then at 6.30am when Jared got up baby girl over there she woke up and was all feed me feed me which I did but no that wasn't enough for the little diva! Play with me she said oh the nerve a three month old demanding attention at 7.00am who does she think she is. Obviously I obliged once again, who am I kidding a sleep in on a Sunday?! Rocky had swimming at 9.30am which Jared was bound by contract to attend but conveniently he's over there coughing and he couldn't possibly go swimming with such an ailment.
So he's tucked back up into bed on baby dutie because she also decided to go to sleep. I've prepped some boob juice in a bottle incase she wakes and off I go looking like a beached whale getting smacked in the face with a pool noodle. Apon arrival home I hear baby crying Rocky states this "Ruby crying" no shit captain obvious. Why is she crying I ask he replies she wouldn't take the bottle I'm all arghhhh that bottle is my life line! I go to pick up full 200ml bottle of liquid gold to dispose of and think hmm this is very hot so I test it like any responsible parent would do you know in that little spot on the inside of your wrist well what do you know it's bloody boiling that's probably A- why she's crying and B- why she won't drink it. Thanks for wasting a whole bottle of hard earned milk mate go milk your own tit next time!
Rocky slept it was glorious. The rest of the day however went something like No Rocky, tantrum, No Rocky, timeout, don't pinch your sister Rocky, time out, do that one more time Rocky and see what happens, do you want to go to time out, I'll count to three, tantrum, tantrum, me crying, Ruby crying, do you need to go toilet Rocky, quick run Rocky, good boy Rocky, no don't eat all the raw cookie dough Rocky. This sequence of events was promptly followed by me packing everyone up (minus couch potatoe Jared who had requested I bring him a plate of dinner home) and heading to mum and dads for tea (I got there a bit early around 3pm).
I'm not stupid I wasn't going to take any chances I knew there was a possibility of them offering to keep Rocky for the night so I packed wisely in went the pjs, the gro clock (these are amazing by the way), Henry (his bunny), his blanket, change of clothes you name it I packed it. Sadly the invite never came but I fixed that by offering him myself, honestly I probably would have just left and claimed I had forgotten him if it came to it. It just wasn't our weekend me and him the kid was driving me bonkers and he was totally feeling the same.
Ruby slept shit she woke three times I was all whyyyyy I didn't get it until the morning then I got it she had wet through because I was in such a hurry to put her to bed she still had a cloth nappy on which I can only imagine is not comfortable to sleep in as she would have been soaking wet. My bad.
I slept until 8.30am it was like a fairy tale it was amazing. Then off I went to collect Rocky we stayed in the company of the grandparents as long as possible then came back to the sports bar, it was like living with a zombie I'm still over her like broooo it's NFL stop acting like you know what's happening. Ruby was in bed and Rocky was watching kinder surprise clips on you tube I saw my opportunity and bolted off for a run 1.78km which I was pretty happy with in my current situation (still claiming the I just had a baby thing). And then it went a bit like yesterday's series of events again you remember tantrum, no, tantrum, time out, crying etc etc! I'm starting to go to a dark place I was ready to put Rocky in a cupboard and accidentally drop the TV on Jared's head, luckily for him he sensed the unease and as soon as stupid bowl finished up he took over. Yes I would like to report he bathed Ruby, picked up the toys, again sat the toddler in front of the iPad, read to Rocky, dressed the baby, dressed the toddler and surprise suprise he did all of this whilst watching recordings of the Sydney sevens, the breakers and some stupid highlanders game. You redeemed your self just in time my love let me tell you right now you were skating on very very very thin ice.