One of the best things someone has ever said to me was when Rocky was a few months old, it was a family friend and she told me if a mother tells you she has never thought about throwing her child out the window she's lying. I know it sounds extreme and it might not have been the window you might have wanted to put them outside and lock the door or you might have wanted to lock yourself outside and just cry it doesn't mean you love them any less or that your a bad parent but it is going to happen at one stage or another during this crazy motherhood journey. I'm saying it but I'm pretty sure theres at least one other mum reading this saying word sister, which is totally cool that why I'm writing it so you don't have to say it out loud to anyone but you also know that someone else understand.
Yesterday I didn't like Rocky and thats ok, I actually quietly told him to "Fuck off" under my breath he didn't hear me but saying it felt so good. He didn't know at that second on the inside he was killing me and all I wanted to do was hide from him and cry about how much of a terrible mother I am, I didn't cry to him I left the room I went to feed Ruby alone in the quiet but he found me and he wanted the last say so he walked right up to me looked me in the eye and spat at me (it was more of a raspberry he's feral but not that feral) then pinched me with both hands on my legs. It was the final straw that poor Ruby ended up on the receiving end of which I didn't learn until later, I pulled her off my boob and placed her on the bed (Jared told me this arvo I actually threw her down she was fine but I'm glad he didn't point it out at the time because I don't think my mothers guilt could have taken it) I scooped Rocky up by one arm and dragged his screaming little ass to his bedroom where I slammed the door behind him. It was hell I came back into our bedroom put Ruby back on my boob and fought back tears, through gritted teeth I told Jared he better get out of bed and deal to his son because I couldn't handle him any more he asked what he had done and I said "everything". He screamed, he spat, he hit the walls, he sobbed and he destroyed this was all because he was tired I knew this he had had a big day, late night and no nape but I couldn't stop thinking about how as a mother I was failing him, I came up with every reason as to why I was just worst of the worst mothers what I had done for him to think his behaviour was ok how could I feel so much anger towards something I love so much. I then concluded its because I love him so bloody much.
We have a relationship Rocky and I we live together and we spend almost every awake hour together. If Jared and I were around each other as much as Rocky and I are we would have problems as a couple we would have some serious issues to work through. We would get on each others nerves, we would fight, we would want to murder each other and we would clash it's natural I'm pretty positive bout that. We would have our ups and downs and thats ok just like its ok that for a split second every now and then I literally can't stand to look at Rocky. Jared and I work on our relationship every day relationships don't just happen you don't just meet you soul mate and live happily ever after (if someone told you this is true they're lying) you work on them just like a job you work through issues, you work on supporting each other, you work on communicating better, you are constantly learning and growing as a couple and thats not different with your children.
Rocky's two the little bro doesn't know what the hell is up or down (literally he gets them mixed up erryday) he can't cope when he's tired, he doesn't know how to think rationally, he can't think about consequences when he's in the middle of a temper tantrum and he's still learning whats acceptable and whats not. I know how we should behave as grown ups but sometimes it's hard to be the adult because being the adult means you have to keep it together and teach the child whats right from wrong when you just want to kick and scream and yell and cry like the two year old, sometimes we just don't want to parent.
Today turned out ok there was a light at the end of the tunnel Jared stepped in and put him self between us so we didn't need to get frustrated with each other, we both had the time apart to pull ourselves together and breath. He dealt with Rocky but supported me because I was feeling broken it might have been my shaky voice or the tears in my eyes but he knew he was needed and he knew what to do. It didn't take me long to think about how insanely crazy being a mother is I literally went from feeling so much anger (frustration is how most would describe it because no one wants to admit they felt anger towards a two year old but I was angry, I was mad as hell and I'm ok with that) towards Rocky to just dying on the inside over how amazing this child of mine is he's smart and cute and funny and caring and charming and loving. He's seriously the coolest kid out and I love him more than I can write on this page but sometimes its hard to love all the time.
Whatever the reason is its ok, we are ok and we will be ok.
Raising a child is a love hate relationship you love them so fucking much but sometimes they are cunts and you are allowed to not like them as well.