Catching feelings.

I feel bad when I write a few posts in a row about how shit my kids are and by kids I mean Rocky. But then I remember this is real life and in reality my kids are dicks majority of the time, again I say KIDS and I really mean Rocky but I feel bad singling him out like that but lets be honest Ruby doesn't know if I'm lumping her in the same category she doesn't know any thing and even if she did she can't give me attitude yet so I don't care. I've said it before and I'll say it again I think Rocky and I are really really really similar and it doesn't always work out the best for us, we clash big time and sometimes it ends in tears ok every time it ends in tears. I'm talking both of us crying not just the child. Today was hard and I know there will be other days just like it and then days that will probably be harder than the last but thats just part of this gig we call parenting, I don't like to just focus on the bad stuff because there is sooooooo much good as well but sometimes its hard to see the good. I would like to tell you about the good things in every post but it's easier to tell you about the hard times because I'm venting to you and venting is important, I'm also taking honesty on by the bloody balls so that you other mums know that your no alone and other mums like me that may seem to have it together probably don't have it together. I'm not here to bash IG lol but seriously its not all its cracked up to be, I literally posted a photo of Rocky boasting about the sweet day I had with him almost moments before the shit hit the fan. Theres more behind those little squares and I get it people choose what they post they have themes and specific content they want to share again thats cool I love seeing people who have beautiful feeds (I follow these people and love them) but the thing is their kid still shits and picks their nose, they still piss in the garden (ok maybe thats just my kid) and they still have tantrums possibly really really bad tantrums. We don't see that because its easier to live in a bubble of brightened goodness in at least one aspect of life. I don't have time for that purely because I literally don't have time, I don't have time to care about what people think of me or my family or my IG feed or my parenting choices or why I ate pudding for breakfast so I post what I want when I want and you can take it or leave it because I give zero fucks and you can literally unfollow if you want too haha.

I went off topic, I went a bit ranty sorry about that those were not my intentions but it is a wee bit relevant to this post kind of maybe a teeny bit lol.

Tonight I am exhausted, I am drained emotionally and mentally because life went from 0-100 real quick this arvo and I feel the need to tell you about it because I know I'm not alone and you need to know that too. I've got that hideous post Kim K ugly cry glow, its not pretty my ugly cry wasn't pretty. I yelled at Rocky this afternoon, I yelled at him and I yanked his arm to get him to listen to me and then I stormed off to hide in my room. I hid because I was overcome with guilt but I walked away because I needed to take a breather and I needed space between us, I sobbed as he screamed at our bedroom door yelling for Mama I actually had to lean against the door to stop him coming in. Then Jared came and took him away he took him away and he comforted him and explained to him what had happened he calmed him down and then he helped fix the situation. I came out because I was worried tea was burning I snuck past the lounge I wanted to sulk in the kitchen and just cry some more but Rocky spotted me with his eagle eyes he came in and we sat on the kitchen floor together, he didn't need prompting he just said cuddle mama and then he said I love you. My sweet sweet boy who comprehends things beyond his years sat on the kitchen floor with me and held me telling me he loved me I cried more and he was still doing those hiccup things you do when you have cried a big ugly cry it was definitely still the guilt making me cry but it was also because he was such a beautiful soul, he pulled my face into his little hands like he does all the time and planted a kiss on my face saying "I love you Mama". I apologised I told him I was sorry for yelling at him he smiled and said thats OK Mama he also told me I was welcome because he gets confused with all these manners, he made me smile in that second and I remembered these are the little things this is life real life. This was me righting my wrongs and this was him understanding and reassuring me his mum, his protector and his teacher that it was ok and you know what this means this means I am doing something right.

I cried heaps more tonight I cried as I cut the chicken, I cried as I roasted the veggies, I cried as Rocky was taking a shit and I was patiently waiting to wipe his ass I just cried and cried and cried. Then Jared realised I was still crying and I was kind of still crying because he didn't care about me yep bring out the violins but I wasn't ok and he hadn't cared yet, I was overthinking everything like my head was literally spinning with emotions and questions and self doubt I was waiting for the only persons approval I need and it hadn't come yet. Now Jared's a great person don't get me wrong he's the best dad and he's a really amazing partner but he's a man and they're stupid when it comes to baby girls emotions so even though he's pretty great he's still a bit of an ass sometimes. This time was totally unintentional he was kind of in sole charge of the kids while I was having this mini meltdown in the kitchen but the longer he left it the longer I had time to think about how much of a terrible person I was because I never clean (yep hate cleaning) and I forget things at the supermarket every time I go (pretty much everyday) and I made Chicken for tea when he didn't feel like chicken ( he ate the chicken happily and has made numerous comments about how good the chicken was he even had thirds of the chicken) I needed to stop thinking and crying into the chicken. Obviously he then figured out I was still crying and he made it all better by pretending he didn't mind that I don't clean everyday and acting like he doesn't mind running back tot he supermarket after I've already been twice that day because I forgot the one thing I went for and he reminded me he always eats the food he complains about happily. Argh so much thinking but now we are out the other side and the emotional haze is lifting apart from that Kim K glow I was telling you about and I'm not talking about the one she got after her holiday in Bora Bora, I realised it happens and I know Rocky forgave me I know he loves me and I know its OK everything is OK and being frustrated is OK having feelings is OK, crying is OK and you know what sometimes yelling is OK.

We are amazing us mums I don't get a lot of sleep and I know some of you are functioning on a lot less sleep than me so I need to pull my shit together and get on with being the raddest mum I can, that doesn't mean I have to be a perfect mum but it means I have to do my best and keep my kids alive hey and if they look cute in the process thats another win. Some days are hard and we need to take a step back or run away and hide to take a breath its normal and you are not alone if you have done this you are doing the right thing you are doing what is best for your child and you are killing it as a parent. We need to break down barriers, we need to offer support, we need to rally around our fellow baby mamas and talk about what is normal because chances are you are normal even if your norm is different to mine and my norm is different to the next person.

Now heres a pic from earlier today before Rocky started whinging and before I realised how tired I was, heres why I'm sharing this story.

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B xx