Do you know what people should give mums to be? Not flowers or kid’s clothes or things to make them smell nice (they’ve just had a bloody baby they aint going to smell nice they won’t shower for like 6 weeks for real!) you should buy them bonk lube, a big old tube of bonk lube. I know I know what the shit but let me tell you a little story about sex after babies, it fucking sucks like it is the worst its legit terrible so it is your duty as a friend who also has a vagina to get the girl some lube.
I had a kid he was cute and that was great but he RUINED my vag, like I’m not over exaggerating the bro literally destroyed my peach. I was in labor for 37 hours and 4 of those were me pushing his little melon head out, I’m not sure 100% how it works but I’m pretty sure that’s the part that killed me?! Like that head moving up and down in my birth canal just fucking with my glorious vagina, stretching it open then closing with a big of schlup sound (imagine it) I actually had a mirror for part of this process and can assure that sound is the perfect descriptive word for the situation. Eventually the time came and the hot doctor came in and chopped me pussy open and out can Rocky with a ventouse attached to his head, I guess you could say I thought the worst was over, I assumed as he was stitching up my vagine and giving me in my own words a designer vagina (I actually said that to him) that everything would go back too normal and life would be a ok in the boudoir but I was wrong I was really really fucking wrong.
Your meant to wait a while I think it’s six weeks but it should probably be five years?! I have heard of people doing it A LOT sooner and that is not ok like A – Who the shit wants to risk getting knocked up again that bloody quickly (come on guys) and B – Would he even touch the sides? Seriously that’s not like a joke well it kind of is but also shit would be so nasty down there what is the point?! That isn’t feeling good for anyone involved. Any who we waited and waited and waited and then I guess the time came I don’t know why the time came?! Oh god why did the time come? Jared had probably started humping my leg or something but it did and we did and OMG it was the worst like the WORST. I feel like we don’t get the right preparation for things when pregnant we learn about lame things like how to swaddle a teddy bear and then there like where my vulva diagrams but no one tells you that having sex after a baby is like a squeaky, dry as the Sahara Desert train wreck on steroids, shit was bad. I also know that not everyone has this experience blah blah blah but I also know this is the norm for sahhhhh many of you.
Do you know how bad it was? It was so bad that I went to the doctor when Rocky was like ten months old, yep he was old as shit and I still couldn’t have a good old fashioned no strings attached root. So I went to this doctor who wasn’t my normal doctor because she was always on bloody holiday and I went in and she was sweet and nice and obviously a little on the conservative side, so to be fair she probably wasn’t the doctor for me ha but I powered on and I explained the situation. By now I was convinced my vagina was stitched up all wrong, I knew the guy that put me flaps back together was good and he was hot so deep down I knew he had done an excellent job but it was a mental thing now and I just needed to know I had left that hospital with my designer vagina. She was trying to assure me that it would have been done fine but I was past the point of no return and I was not leaving that room until she actually physically looked at my lady bits, she politely declined, I politely told her she needed to she insisted it was not that, I insisted it was and then she kind of realized I was dead serious and she reluctantly checked out the garden (it was probably more of a bush to be fair) and she concluded the stitch up was great, I healed great and I most definitely did have a designer vagina soooo get the fuck over it and have sex with your man, no I joke.
Turns out there are heaps of reasons you have pain/discomfort/trouble/issues with having a bone after giving birth and the most common is lack of the old lubrication, for example I went on the jab after have Rocky and it fucked me over so bad. It messed with so many things for me including mood, sex drive, lubrication you name it it did it. She explained that the jab makes you low in estrogen or was it high? Shit this is not good I should know that but either way you can google it and that in turn made me produce zero lubrication when normally you would once aroused it was quite odd writing aroused ha. Any way she basically sent me packing with the orders of buying some lube and getting on with it oh and maybe changing my birth control which I did because we were going for number two so no need for the old contraception.
Do you know what is really really awkward? Buying lube, it’s up there with a pregnancy test when you shouldn’t be pregnant and also condoms I don’t care how old we are they are still fucking awkward to buy right? So I googled and did some research on lubes, I love a good google guys. To be fair I didn’t find a lot on the market aside from the usual’s like KY and durex none of which were overly inspiring but lubes lube right? Wrong so so wrong I’m a luber is that a thing? Or did I make it up? Either way more people should use a good quality lube like bonk lube and here are some examples why.
1 – You get that shit done quicker, like no fucking around at the start which don’t get me wrong is half the fun but when you got kids and shit you don’t always have time for that foreplay sitcho.
2 – The old spit and rub thing (which is a thing don’t act like you haven’t done it) is not necessary, you know when you’re just trying to get it in but she’s all dry and again you’re in a hurry because when you have kids your always in a hurry and you just kind of spit on your fingers to rub it on his dick and then t just slides on in? Ok well maybe it’s not a thing but if it is lube is way better.
3 – It just feels better, plain and simple.
4 – Lube lasts for bloody ever so I encourage you to invest in a goody.
5 – The water based ones are great if you’re a little sensey to shit.
Ok cool so now we have all the awkwardness out of the way buy this lube, I’ve been using it, well like as a couple Jared and I have been using it but shit if your using it on your own that’s cool too yo. It’s so great it’s organic and not tacky or weird or leave a sticky funny smell it’s just a really great lubricant for sex. I am not kidding when I say you should be buying your mates a good old nice tube of lube at their baby shower, that and some condoms they will 100% appreciate it. The best part is you can just buy it online so no awkward 15 year old judging you for having two shitty kids hanging off you in the supermarket and your literally buying lube, tampons, some apples, a tub of ice-cream, a couple of kinder surprises and some wet wipes the internet is a judge free zone know matter what is in your shopping cart.
Buy the lube, you’ll thank me later.
I think my life is complete because I just wrote a blog on my shoddy vagina, sex after a baby and essentially lubricant and if you want to buy the lube featured its from Oh Natural and you can get free shipping with he code RNR.
Oh and for the record I had no problems with sex after Ruby because I had all the lube.