Do you're hair's hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you toss them over your shoulder
Like a regimental soldier?
Do your hairs hang low?
I've got something hairy to talk about you might have guessed by that epic intro, I'm talking about the sasquatch in the room. Yep I'm talking about hair, shit mates I don’t know about you but winter has not been kind to me this year, well not really winter as such it's my razor that has not been kind to me but because it's winter it's technically it's winter fault right? not mine at all.
Guyssssss I'm a bloody beast and it's about time I do something about it, ok it's totally more to do with the fact that I see Jared on Friday and erm I am not "first time seeing your bae in like five weeks ready" ahhhh shit me a brick I have some serious grooming to do. When we parted ways five weeks ago we had to do this awkward condom run to pak n save because up until then I hadn’t used the milkshake to bring the boys to the yard in longer than we would both probably would like to admit but it's just not that easy any more example:
- We are tired as shit all the fucking time like serial guys don't act like you'r trying to jump your man every night when you have a toddler who is up at 6am and a baby who is falling asleep on your tit at least three times a night (the baby is not the baby daddy by the way I mean an actual real life milk drinking baby that leaves you with eyeballs that need toothpicks to get them open). True story kid's kill the mood unless your a super sayion or something,
- When you try to do that 3 minute parents quicky all the internet mums are talking about and even then three minutes is too long acording to your baby who seems to hear the condom wrapper open and wakes up screaming or the toddler who was having a nap because you had basically clocked parenting by getting your kids to nap at the same time and your about to get it in but the toddler wakes and awkwardly yells mum mum mum mum mum dad dad dad dad dad dad dad fifty billion times over and over again until you just can not possibly finish the job with that racket carrying on and you just roll off.
- You had a baby within the last year, enough said I mean can I get an amen.
- You had a baby within the last ten years?! (I dont have a kid this age but I'm just throwing it out there)
- You havent sorted any birth control since you had the baby nine months ago becasue your scared you will ruin the no monthly mate winning streak you have going on, this is really hitting the womens jackpot so you don't want to mess with the red river godess and fuck this one up.
- When you have finally got somene else to look after your kids and the coast is clear so you can really take your time (yeah right) and then you get visitors who just let them selves in with that annoying awkward hellooooo and you have to quicly do the scramble to find the underwear and then play it super cool like oh yeah we were totally just hanging out netfix and chilling and absolutely not about to put the d in the v at all! (insert eye roll)
- Sleep always wins, especially when the kids are tandom napping.
I ran out of reasons, so lucky number seven it is well this is like the seven points on why boning is not high up the priority list after you have children.
Back to the hair issue, I should really look at addressing it in the next 48 hours, bloody Nora I haven’t even booked in to hair free myself so a DIY job is possibly on the cards ok it's totally not because I would need to hire a flipping weed wacker or something seriously it's that bad. Like I could plait my armpit hairs arghhhh cringe maybe I'll plead a feminist hippy kind of vibe? Or just not address it and then before he knows it I would have seduced him with my hair free face and wam bam thank you mam it's too late he can’t turn back and he just has to love me for all my womenness?
I think I need to officially break up with him, winter I mean like he lured me in with his coolness and then lulled me into this false sense of security. He told me all the baby mama's were doing it and that it wasn’t just me that was hiding under a blanket of bodily hair, I was naive and in love so I just went with it and before I knew it I was in so deep I had lost sight of the outside, I couldn’t find the razor through the bush and I when I tried to accept help from my old mate veet the search party of wax strips perished in the terrain I didn’t know how to help myself or where to turn winter had control of me and I was getting weaker with every layer of hair that grew. The warmth was comforting and I didn’t know how to leave until I realized if I didn’t make the break now I would be walking in front of 1400 people with my legs in cornrows and my armpits in pigtails not to mention the hair you wouldn’t see (lucky for you) oh well the hair the programme says you won’t see but shit mums on tour/gone wild you just never know. Jokes ok I'm totally joking obvs!
I know Jared loves me with hair or no hair (he totes loves me more with no hair) but he deserves to not have to brush against me and be all girllllll are you wearing ugg boots in bed! so somehow some way I will be hair free by Friday, police college is hard but being alone in a cold bed is harder (it's not police college is really really hard) so this is a big deal and he better bloody appreciate it, I Rebecca Shannon will have to wear long johns for the remainder of my lonely man free winter just as a gesture of my love. I am making the ultimate sacrifice for our sex life and I can only imagine it will be what all parents dream of you know that three minute Constance Hall wrote about.
When we spent our last night together I promised to be hair free and he promised to not have to do that awkward supermarket run so wish us luck and yolo haha.