#ahealthybabeandhappymumisbest "I was one of the LUCKY ones, I put lucky in capitals for a reason. I was lucky because I had support. I had an amazing partner who held my hand when I cried and fed my baby through gritted teeth, I had a mum who was there every step of the way telling me it will get better and suggesting I stick my nipples in the sun for a bit to toughen them up (better than the wire brush option she was given as a young breast feeding mother) I was constantly SUPPORTED and up-lifted by those around me on my breastfeeding journey. I was LUCKY because I didn’t have inverted nipples, I was LUCKY because I never had crippling mastitis, I was LUCKY because my baby thrived on my breast milk, I was LUCKY because my child wasn’t allergic to my own milk I produced for that child, I was LUCKY because I had a great milk supply without having to supplement myself with anything (though I did love a good lactation cookie), I was LUCKY that I didn’t have an illness that stopped me breastfeeding, I was LUCKY that I didn’t have to go back to work and keep up with pumping. Sometimes it does come down to luck. I remember when I put so much work into getting Rocky to sleep and people would say oh you’re so lucky he’s such a content little baby and I would be all “I worked damn hard to have a content baby luck has nothing to do with it.” I am now older and wiser and I know that luck does have something to do with it because I now have friends who have tried it all and their kid just doesn’t sleep, shit, they did the mahi but still didn’t get the treats".

#ahealthybabeandhappymumisbest

"I was one of the LUCKY ones, I put lucky in capitals for a reason. I was lucky because I had support. I had an amazing partner who held my hand when I cried and fed my baby through gritted teeth, I had a mum who was there every step of the way telling me it will get better and suggesting I stick my nipples in the sun for a bit to toughen them up (better than the wire brush option she was given as a young breast feeding mother) I was constantly SUPPORTED and up-lifted by those around me on my breastfeeding journey. I was LUCKY because I didn’t have inverted nipples, I was LUCKY because I never had crippling mastitis, I was LUCKY because my baby thrived on my breast milk, I was LUCKY because my child wasn’t allergic to my own milk I produced for that child, I was LUCKY because I had a great milk supply without having to supplement myself with anything (though I did love a good lactation cookie), I was LUCKY that I didn’t have an illness that stopped me breastfeeding, I was LUCKY that I didn’t have to go back to work and keep up with pumping. Sometimes it does come down to luck. I remember when I put so much work into getting Rocky to sleep and people would say oh you’re so lucky he’s such a content little baby and I would be all “I worked damn hard to have a content baby luck has nothing to do with it.” I am now older and wiser and I know that luck does have something to do with it because I now have friends who have tried it all and their kid just doesn’t sleep, shit, they did the mahi but still didn’t get the treats".

Buy the Lube. "Do you know what people should give mums to be? Not flowers or kid’s clothes or things to make them smell nice (they’ve just had a bloody baby they aint going to smell nice they won’t shower for like 6 weeks for real!) you should buy them bonk lube, a big old tube of bonk lube. I know I know what the shit but let me tell you a little story about sex after babies, it fucking sucks like it is the worst its legit terrible so it is your duty as a friend who also has a vagina to get the girl some lube. I had a kid he was cute and that was great but he RUINED my vag, like I’m not over exaggerating the bro literally destroyed my peach. I was in labor for 37 hours and 4 of those were me pushing his little melon head out, I’m not sure 100% how it works but I’m pretty sure that’s the part that killed me?!"

Buy the Lube.

"Do you know what people should give mums to be? Not flowers or kid’s clothes or things to make them smell nice (they’ve just had a bloody baby they aint going to smell nice they won’t shower for like 6 weeks for real!) you should buy them bonk lube, a big old tube of bonk lube. I know I know what the shit but let me tell you a little story about sex after babies, it fucking sucks like it is the worst its legit terrible so it is your duty as a friend who also has a vagina to get the girl some lube. I had a kid he was cute and that was great but he RUINED my vag, like I’m not over exaggerating the bro literally destroyed my peach. I was in labor for 37 hours and 4 of those were me pushing his little melon head out, I’m not sure 100% how it works but I’m pretty sure that’s the part that killed me?!"

Proud Parents. "Do you know what I feel really bloody lucky about? The fact that I lived my life with no pressures from my parents, I never ever felt that what I did wasn’t good enough let’s be honest I wasn’t an over achiever what so ever so I’m not talking about getting Bs when they expected me to get As but I’m talking about when in 7th form I decided not to study a whole lot for my NCEA exams and used to go around saying how God would help a sister out (I probably should have gone to church or something). I was not a great student academically but I was a bloody great time and a good friend and I think I was a fantastic daughter so what was there to be disappointed in right? Obviously there were times when I got into trouble but still I never felt any pressures to be perfect, what the fuck even is perfect?"

Proud Parents.

"Do you know what I feel really bloody lucky about? The fact that I lived my life with no pressures from my parents, I never ever felt that what I did wasn’t good enough let’s be honest I wasn’t an over achiever what so ever so I’m not talking about getting Bs when they expected me to get As but I’m talking about when in 7th form I decided not to study a whole lot for my NCEA exams and used to go around saying how God would help a sister out (I probably should have gone to church or something). I was not a great student academically but I was a bloody great time and a good friend and I think I was a fantastic daughter so what was there to be disappointed in right? Obviously there were times when I got into trouble but still I never felt any pressures to be perfect, what the fuck even is perfect?"

Meet a mum who, had breast cancer. "I created Totally Devoted almost 5 years ago. It has been a massive five years of craziness trying to balance the family and work life dynamics. However biggest challenge we have faced both emotionally, mentally and physically was the terrifying diagnosis of breast cancer. Nothing can ever prepare you for something like this.... the phone call from a doctor saying we have your results... you need to come in and bring a family member. The heart sinking all-consuming reality of being told those words.... you have cancer. I read somewhere that there are no more terrifying words you can hear than cancer... then followed up in the same sentence as chemotherapy... My partner suggested Ebola would be worse which at least made me laugh for a brief second... yes it would.

Meet a mum who, had breast cancer.

"I created Totally Devoted almost 5 years ago. It has been a massive five years of craziness trying to balance the family and work life dynamics. However biggest challenge we have faced both emotionally, mentally and physically was the terrifying diagnosis of breast cancer. Nothing can ever prepare you for something like this.... the phone call from a doctor saying we have your results... you need to come in and bring a family member. The heart sinking all-consuming reality of being told those words.... you have cancer. I read somewhere that there are no more terrifying words you can hear than cancer... then followed up in the same sentence as chemotherapy... My partner suggested Ebola would be worse which at least made me laugh for a brief second... yes it would.

Ruby and the shit mum. "On Monday we went to a music class and well she was mainly music is that classed as a class? I used to take Rocky to shit all the time and he turned out great like really really great but Rubes, did she not stand a chance right from the start?! Oh god have I ruined here? Am I the reason she doesn’t speak, she hates almost everything apart from her Nana and Poppa and am I the reason she’s such a sassy little bitch?! (bitch in a good way like she will be a girl boss kind of bitch, so fuck off Grace) is it all because she doesn’t get taken to shit? Rocky went to all the shit, like all the extra curriculum activities, fuck is that a thing at this age? Like are they called extra curriculum activities? I am asking a lot of questions here basically the reason I’m writing this is because I am a cunt of a parent and I need all you other parents that are just like me to be all yo B your all right like she probably would have been a sassy sausage even if you did take her to these things that good mum’s take their kids to. I mean it’s not that I don’t want to take her but she’s kid number two and that makes shit awkward like I now work, I have kid number one that needs to be taken to kindy etc. and needs train tacks built and also when Rocky was a babe I didn’t have Netflix so that’s another big factor (roll your eyes go on)."

Ruby and the shit mum.

"On Monday we went to a music class and well she was mainly music is that classed as a class? I used to take Rocky to shit all the time and he turned out great like really really great but Rubes, did she not stand a chance right from the start?! Oh god have I ruined here? Am I the reason she doesn’t speak, she hates almost everything apart from her Nana and Poppa and am I the reason she’s such a sassy little bitch?! (bitch in a good way like she will be a girl boss kind of bitch, so fuck off Grace) is it all because she doesn’t get taken to shit? Rocky went to all the shit, like all the extra curriculum activities, fuck is that a thing at this age? Like are they called extra curriculum activities? I am asking a lot of questions here basically the reason I’m writing this is because I am a cunt of a parent and I need all you other parents that are just like me to be all yo B your all right like she probably would have been a sassy sausage even if you did take her to these things that good mum’s take their kids to. I mean it’s not that I don’t want to take her but she’s kid number two and that makes shit awkward like I now work, I have kid number one that needs to be taken to kindy etc. and needs train tacks built and also when Rocky was a babe I didn’t have Netflix so that’s another big factor (roll your eyes go on)."

Me time yo. "Do you take me time? Like real me time where you just sit the fuck down with no kid and watch some good shit on TV? Or are you one of the extra lucky ones that gets an actual more than a preschool day break from your kids?! Does me time scare you or do you think you just can’t squeeze it in? Well baby mama’s let me tell you how you can make me time work for you! Ok so I know this is starting to sound like an infomercial but it’s not and it if was it would be an ad for the best thing money could buy. I take me time very seriously and I take it often, I totally get that I’m lucky to be in a position when I can actually just run away from my children for more than 24 hours on a pretty frequent basis but I also know that it’s not always that easy so I am going to share with you my top tips for squeezing in some me time and how to work the system a little bit! I’m really good at working a few systems haha."

Me time yo.

"Do you take me time? Like real me time where you just sit the fuck down with no kid and watch some good shit on TV? Or are you one of the extra lucky ones that gets an actual more than a preschool day break from your kids?! Does me time scare you or do you think you just can’t squeeze it in? Well baby mama’s let me tell you how you can make me time work for you! Ok so I know this is starting to sound like an infomercial but it’s not and it if was it would be an ad for the best thing money could buy. I take me time very seriously and I take it often, I totally get that I’m lucky to be in a position when I can actually just run away from my children for more than 24 hours on a pretty frequent basis but I also know that it’s not always that easy so I am going to share with you my top tips for squeezing in some me time and how to work the system a little bit! I’m really good at working a few systems haha."

What the shit I do.

What the shit I do.

How2Food. "There’s a new meal planning website in town and it’s pretty bloody good! Say hello to how2food, I’m all about getting as much help as I can around meals and well anything home related really because we all know I’m a terrible house and I’m not going to be wining any awards any time soon. These were my top terrible housewife problems"

How2Food.

"There’s a new meal planning website in town and it’s pretty bloody good! Say hello to how2food, I’m all about getting as much help as I can around meals and well anything home related really because we all know I’m a terrible house and I’m not going to be wining any awards any time soon. These were my top terrible housewife problems"

The toddler and the giant poo. "I just titled this the toddler and the giant poo and it is a true story about my Tuesday, let’s start by asking a mate how their Tuesday was? It’s a kind thing to do like I know they say hump day is Wednesday but I’m pretty much going with any day after 9am Monday and before 7pm Friday is hump day oh unless you don’t get a break on the weekend then your fucked and your whole life is a hump day. Basically today has been fine, Rocky slept in our bed last night because Aunty Alex is in his (Fuck you Alex) and that was cool dare I say it we actually all co slept pretty blissfully, Ruby though shit she woke up more times than you’d change your undies in a week so that was really fucking annoying but Jared’s on days off so I put him to task and made him get up once after I exaggerated how many time I’d already been up with her. The thing is he doesn’t even have to give her a bottle or anything she just goes back to sleep if it’s him, maybe he will put in a dismal 3-minute back run when I have to put in a fucking 3-hour back rub so he got up and that was cool she went back to sleep and then woke up another million times before her final wakes up at 7am when she fell out of bed super un gracefully and smacked her head on the wall on the way down."

The toddler and the giant poo.

"I just titled this the toddler and the giant poo and it is a true story about my Tuesday, let’s start by asking a mate how their Tuesday was? It’s a kind thing to do like I know they say hump day is Wednesday but I’m pretty much going with any day after 9am Monday and before 7pm Friday is hump day oh unless you don’t get a break on the weekend then your fucked and your whole life is a hump day. Basically today has been fine, Rocky slept in our bed last night because Aunty Alex is in his (Fuck you Alex) and that was cool dare I say it we actually all co slept pretty blissfully, Ruby though shit she woke up more times than you’d change your undies in a week so that was really fucking annoying but Jared’s on days off so I put him to task and made him get up once after I exaggerated how many time I’d already been up with her. The thing is he doesn’t even have to give her a bottle or anything she just goes back to sleep if it’s him, maybe he will put in a dismal 3-minute back run when I have to put in a fucking 3-hour back rub so he got up and that was cool she went back to sleep and then woke up another million times before her final wakes up at 7am when she fell out of bed super un gracefully and smacked her head on the wall on the way down."

You don’t have to like everyone on the internet but you don’t have to be mean. "Here’s how I see it we don’t all like each other and that is ok, it’s totally fucking fine shit someone is probably reading this write now hating me and literally everything I type is just grinding their gears a little bit more and they can’t wait to bitch about it in their group chat on messenger or they’re reading it and messenger bitching right now and to be honest I’m fine with that gossiping is a thing and it will happen, bitching is a thing, it’s always been a thing and it will happen we probably all do both those things quite often without even thinking about it which is sad but totally true. I’m probably way out of line and people won’t agree with this but it’s kind of normal, it probably shouldn’t be normal but it is we like to talk about people behind there back or we like to say it to their face through the internet so it’s not really there face it’s just a key board warrior trolling the net because they have a sad life and they need to tell someone they are lame to make them feel better."

You don’t have to like everyone on the internet but you don’t have to be mean.

"Here’s how I see it we don’t all like each other and that is ok, it’s totally fucking fine shit someone is probably reading this write now hating me and literally everything I type is just grinding their gears a little bit more and they can’t wait to bitch about it in their group chat on messenger or they’re reading it and messenger bitching right now and to be honest I’m fine with that gossiping is a thing and it will happen, bitching is a thing, it’s always been a thing and it will happen we probably all do both those things quite often without even thinking about it which is sad but totally true. I’m probably way out of line and people won’t agree with this but it’s kind of normal, it probably shouldn’t be normal but it is we like to talk about people behind there back or we like to say it to their face through the internet so it’s not really there face it’s just a key board warrior trolling the net because they have a sad life and they need to tell someone they are lame to make them feel better."

I don't even know what to do. "I said this today just the once I think?! But it’s something I say all the time when I’m normally alone and over whelmed, I say it out loud and the kid’s kind of look at me like figure it the fuck out mum and then I do. After today’s wee episode that stemmed from Ruby pulling on her haakaa suction bowl so hard that the whole bowl came unstuck and went flying across the room, ok not the room but me the bowl of couscous and stew literally covered me and our white carpet (who the fuck puts white carpet in a house) so as I sat there, yep I was sitting on the floor eating dinner because that’s Ruby’s new thing I have to sit at their table to eat dinner and when I’m on the evening duty on my own I’m not fucking around I do what the boss says when bed, baths and dinners are solely on me  ha but that put me directly in the line for her food flinging sitcho, in all fairness she’s never been able to un stick that amazing bowl before so we were not prepared for the fall out and I specifically give her that bowl when we eat shit I don’t want tipped all over the show."

I don't even know what to do.

"I said this today just the once I think?! But it’s something I say all the time when I’m normally alone and over whelmed, I say it out loud and the kid’s kind of look at me like figure it the fuck out mum and then I do. After today’s wee episode that stemmed from Ruby pulling on her haakaa suction bowl so hard that the whole bowl came unstuck and went flying across the room, ok not the room but me the bowl of couscous and stew literally covered me and our white carpet (who the fuck puts white carpet in a house) so as I sat there, yep I was sitting on the floor eating dinner because that’s Ruby’s new thing I have to sit at their table to eat dinner and when I’m on the evening duty on my own I’m not fucking around I do what the boss says when bed, baths and dinners are solely on me  ha but that put me directly in the line for her food flinging sitcho, in all fairness she’s never been able to un stick that amazing bowl before so we were not prepared for the fall out and I specifically give her that bowl when we eat shit I don’t want tipped all over the show."

Meet a mum who, Mothers Day edition. "It's mum's day yo so I thought I'd grab some of my fave mums from around the internet and all ask them two questions, the same questions for all of them to see how we all do this mum thing. Meet Pauline, mum of six and my mama bear. You all know her pretty well already so I don’t need to give a huge intro but she is the greatest mum in the whole wide world and I’m so lucky she’s mine, she is not only an ultimate mum but she is the best nana and what she does for us is more than we could have ever dreamed of, we hit the fucking jackpot with her."

Meet a mum who, Mothers Day edition.

"It's mum's day yo so I thought I'd grab some of my fave mums from around the internet and all ask them two questions, the same questions for all of them to see how we all do this mum thing.

Meet Pauline, mum of six and my mama bear. You all know her pretty well already so I don’t need to give a huge intro but she is the greatest mum in the whole wide world and I’m so lucky she’s mine, she is not only an ultimate mum but she is the best nana and what she does for us is more than we could have ever dreamed of, we hit the fucking jackpot with her."

That time we tried to be super models. "They say don’t work with animals and children and who ever said that first they were kidding which is why it’s stuck around so long I guess, you know because it’s so bloody true! Now let me paint the scene for you like let me get this really going in your mind, we woke yesterday morning sometime around 4am and then we proceeded to head to the airport through thick as fog where I made us turn around half way there because I had forgotten my phone and I CANNOT forget my phone so we get in the drive way and I’m like I’ll just be a minute and my mum’s all this is why we left five minutes early and as soon as I jump out of the car I’m like DW team it’s in my back pocket and I had it all along and Jared’s all like you’re a shit head B and I’m like soz and Ruby’s like fuck you mum and Rocky’s like I love you know matter what, ok so that went off on a tangent but ya no."

That time we tried to be super models.

"They say don’t work with animals and children and who ever said that first they were kidding which is why it’s stuck around so long I guess, you know because it’s so bloody true! Now let me paint the scene for you like let me get this really going in your mind, we woke yesterday morning sometime around 4am and then we proceeded to head to the airport through thick as fog where I made us turn around half way there because I had forgotten my phone and I CANNOT forget my phone so we get in the drive way and I’m like I’ll just be a minute and my mum’s all this is why we left five minutes early and as soon as I jump out of the car I’m like DW team it’s in my back pocket and I had it all along and Jared’s all like you’re a shit head B and I’m like soz and Ruby’s like fuck you mum and Rocky’s like I love you know matter what, ok so that went off on a tangent but ya no."

It's midwives' day yo. It’s midwifes’ day yo! So I thought I would dedicate a little post to them because I for one love a good midwife we have had two in our and also first pop around we had a whole lot of hospital midwife action happening, one of my fave people in the whole wide world is a midwife, I mean I don’t know her but she is the most wonderful women she is Ina May Gaskett and she is truly inspirational. She is the reason I had Rocky so confidently when shit hit that fan and she is the reason why I am so bloody passionate about giving birth to a mini human/alien and why I am such an advocate for midwives. It’s no surprise I’m such a midwife lover when I would literally be one tomorrow if I could handle the jandal but I can’t because I don’t like blood and I don’t like needles argh gross, but if I enjoyed those things I would do it in a heartbeat.

It's midwives' day yo.

It’s midwifes’ day yo! So I thought I would dedicate a little post to them because I for one love a good midwife we have had two in our and also first pop around we had a whole lot of hospital midwife action happening, one of my fave people in the whole wide world is a midwife, I mean I don’t know her but she is the most wonderful women she is Ina May Gaskett and she is truly inspirational. She is the reason I had Rocky so confidently when shit hit that fan and she is the reason why I am so bloody passionate about giving birth to a mini human/alien and why I am such an advocate for midwives.

It’s no surprise I’m such a midwife lover when I would literally be one tomorrow if I could handle the jandal but I can’t because I don’t like blood and I don’t like needles argh gross, but if I enjoyed those things I would do it in a heartbeat.

If I have to clean my house for you, we can’t be friends. "Here’s the thing I’m not a disgusting person like I clean and shit (most of the time) but I don’t always keep my house tidy, I am the world’s worst house wife and I’m super open about that. Seriously ask my mum or my mates or anyone that knows me and they will tell you keeping shit organized is not my thing, going back to the house wife thing though I put out and my kids are still alive so I’m not failing that bad right?! Any who I was about to list all these things that most people would think is gross and be all I’m not that  feral I don’t do this and I don’t do that but as I started listing them I was like fuck I do all of these."

If I have to clean my house for you, we can’t be friends.

"Here’s the thing I’m not a disgusting person like I clean and shit (most of the time) but I don’t always keep my house tidy, I am the world’s worst house wife and I’m super open about that. Seriously ask my mum or my mates or anyone that knows me and they will tell you keeping shit organized is not my thing, going back to the house wife thing though I put out and my kids are still alive so I’m not failing that bad right?! Any who I was about to list all these things that most people would think is gross and be all I’m not that  feral I don’t do this and I don’t do that but as I started listing them I was like fuck I do all of these."

Meet a mum who, rape awareness week. "If you’re reading this then you probably read Rebecca’s recent post ‘Let’s talk about Friday night’ and when I read that I was pretty much fist pumping that a fellow mumma stood up to another for their bad parenting moment (Seriously! Teach your sons better than that!). Some people might think a slap on the ass is expected when you go to a bar but THAT’S THE PROBLEM. It’s ‘expected’. But it’s not okay and this needs to change and it needs to start with our kids. We need to raise them to respect one another and learn about consent and how to appropriately engage with whoever! Girl boy, boy boy, girl girl – whatever, this applies to EVERY person of EVERY gender. This kind of attitude that it’s the victims fault because of where he/she was, what they were wearing, how they were dancing is messed up and I’d bet is one of the sole reasons most people don’t come forward about any sexual assault they may experience. Because it’s so prevalent I can only hope that it’s just this ingrained rape culture that we live in that makes otherwise nice guys act like this, as I refuse to believe every man is a predator. However, every woman I have ever known has experienced unwanted sexual attention from a man to some degree."

Meet a mum who, rape awareness week.

"If you’re reading this then you probably read Rebecca’s recent post ‘Let’s talk about Friday night’ and when I read that I was pretty much fist pumping that a fellow mumma stood up to another for their bad parenting moment (Seriously! Teach your sons better than that!). Some people might think a slap on the ass is expected when you go to a bar but THAT’S THE PROBLEM. It’s ‘expected’. But it’s not okay and this needs to change and it needs to start with our kids. We need to raise them to respect one another and learn about consent and how to appropriately engage with whoever! Girl boy, boy boy, girl girl – whatever, this applies to EVERY person of EVERY gender. This kind of attitude that it’s the victims fault because of where he/she was, what they were wearing, how they were dancing is messed up and I’d bet is one of the sole reasons most people don’t come forward about any sexual assault they may experience. Because it’s so prevalent I can only hope that it’s just this ingrained rape culture that we live in that makes otherwise nice guys act like this, as I refuse to believe every man is a predator.

However, every woman I have ever known has experienced unwanted sexual attention from a man to some degree."

Why they are dicks for us. "I feel like they hate me but I know that they love me more. Ok so that probably sounds terrible but seriously we have had the worst morning ever like I just got back and the kids are being mega dicks, it’s ok like I said up there I have my theory around it but it’s killing me. You know as a mum how you give all you time, money and soul to your children and then they just kind of screw you over? Yep well that’s me today like I get it I went away and they’re a bit pissy about tit but do you need to pick up a mini chair and throw it because I asked if you wanted peanut butter on toast and then realized that dad hadn’t brought any new peanut butter so we were peanut butterless and you had to have marmite, I do get that I mean pics peanut butter is bloody good but marmite is a kiwi classic mate."

Why they are dicks for us.

"I feel like they hate me but I know that they love me more. Ok so that probably sounds terrible but seriously we have had the worst morning ever like I just got back and the kids are being mega dicks, it’s ok like I said up there I have my theory around it but it’s killing me. You know as a mum how you give all you time, money and soul to your children and then they just kind of screw you over? Yep well that’s me today like I get it I went away and they’re a bit pissy about tit but do you need to pick up a mini chair and throw it because I asked if you wanted peanut butter on toast and then realized that dad hadn’t brought any new peanut butter so we were peanut butterless and you had to have marmite, I do get that I mean pics peanut butter is bloody good but marmite is a kiwi classic mate."

I got my period now fuck off. "Fun side note fact when I had Rocky I got my period back after like 6 weeks or something so basically when the I just had a baby bleeding stopped the here’s your period bitch bleeding started and well I thought that was totally normal until I read a thread in a mum’s group where they were like when did your periods come back after you had a baby and I’m sitting there up to my neck in nappies reading comment after comment all like oh like 10 months, oh mine wasn’t for 15 months, my kids fucking 30 and I still don’t have it (ok last bit was an exaggeration) but you get my gist I’m over here like yo I got mine like the month after?! WTF actually WTF WTF WTF so I asked my mum because mama duke knows everything and she’s all yeah you don’t normally get it that early and then she was probably like well at least you were early for something in your life and I’m like fuck you mum and fuck you period. I had always heard those stories where people thought that if you hadn’t gotten your period after having a baby then you were totally not able to get knocked up like it was a legit contraceptive and then I would be thinking A- Who really believes that its just as bad as the pull out method and B- Who the fuck has sex in those first like 6 weeks, ah but little did I know they didn’t get their periods after one month they were talking about MONTHS down the track, yep I got bloody jacked, ripped off, taken for a ride call it what you want it was shithouse literally you know that saying if the river runs red take the dirt track OMG I can’t believe I just said that haha but I’m joking that’s obvs why I said it trust me if it was a thing I would not have written it here."

I got my period now fuck off.

"Fun side note fact when I had Rocky I got my period back after like 6 weeks or something so basically when the I just had a baby bleeding stopped the here’s your period bitch bleeding started and well I thought that was totally normal until I read a thread in a mum’s group where they were like when did your periods come back after you had a baby and I’m sitting there up to my neck in nappies reading comment after comment all like oh like 10 months, oh mine wasn’t for 15 months, my kids fucking 30 and I still don’t have it (ok last bit was an exaggeration) but you get my gist I’m over here like yo I got mine like the month after?! WTF actually WTF WTF WTF so I asked my mum because mama duke knows everything and she’s all yeah you don’t normally get it that early and then she was probably like well at least you were early for something in your life and I’m like fuck you mum and fuck you period. I had always heard those stories where people thought that if you hadn’t gotten your period after having a baby then you were totally not able to get knocked up like it was a legit contraceptive and then I would be thinking A- Who really believes that its just as bad as the pull out method and B- Who the fuck has sex in those first like 6 weeks, ah but little did I know they didn’t get their periods after one month they were talking about MONTHS down the track, yep I got bloody jacked, ripped off, taken for a ride call it what you want it was shithouse literally you know that saying if the river runs red take the dirt track OMG I can’t believe I just said that haha but I’m joking that’s obvs why I said it trust me if it was a thing I would not have written it here."

Let's talk about Friday night. "I need to write about this I have been overwhelmed with messages and now I need to write this down, this isn’t about me this is about a NZ wide issue that I saw first-hand on Friday night, this is a blog about a rape culture that we as mothers have the power to stop, that we have the power to change. My main audience is mothers but I also have a huge amount of young women who follow long for the gold yarns and the cute kids, this is why I need to talk about this, I have a platform that targets the exact people effected by every day sexual harassment and I am going to say something about it and I am going to try my best to do something about it because if one mother talks to her teenage son or if one girl stands up for herself or feels better about herself because I what I have to say the I know I am doing the right thing".

Let's talk about Friday night.

"I need to write about this I have been overwhelmed with messages and now I need to write this down, this isn’t about me this is about a NZ wide issue that I saw first-hand on Friday night, this is a blog about a rape culture that we as mothers have the power to stop, that we have the power to change.

My main audience is mothers but I also have a huge amount of young women who follow long for the gold yarns and the cute kids, this is why I need to talk about this, I have a platform that targets the exact people effected by every day sexual harassment and I am going to say something about it and I am going to try my best to do something about it because if one mother talks to her teenage son or if one girl stands up for herself or feels better about herself because I what I have to say the I know I am doing the right thing".

Traveling with a tribe. "We travel a bit within NZ we try and get around as much as possible, well as much as the wallet will allow so I thought it was about time I put our fave products and tips and tricks into a blog! I am always asked about my recommendations when traveling with kids sah I was like write it down B. I planned on writing this last week before we went to Auckland but life happened and well I’m only writing it now and I’m writing it in between binging on the Netflix series Riverdale side note OMG AJ Kapa holy shit balls that kid is hot ha. Right back to travel, I have snapchatted about it before and Ig storied it and yarned a lot about it so now it’s written down and you can come back time and time again for reference, I feel like this will be the world’s worst blog post I’m so distracted by Riverdale like now I’m fixated on how hot bloody Betty is! Ok she just walked in, in a fucking bra and a black wig and she’s so fucking hot hahaha"

Traveling with a tribe.

"We travel a bit within NZ we try and get around as much as possible, well as much as the wallet will allow so I thought it was about time I put our fave products and tips and tricks into a blog! I am always asked about my recommendations when traveling with kids sah I was like write it down B. I planned on writing this last week before we went to Auckland but life happened and well I’m only writing it now and I’m writing it in between binging on the Netflix series Riverdale side note OMG AJ Kapa holy shit balls that kid is hot ha. Right back to travel, I have snapchatted about it before and Ig storied it and yarned a lot about it so now it’s written down and you can come back time and time again for reference, I feel like this will be the world’s worst blog post I’m so distracted by Riverdale like now I’m fixated on how hot bloody Betty is! Ok she just walked in, in a fucking bra and a black wig and she’s so fucking hot hahaha"

Winner winner chicken dinner. “So we all know I’m not great cook, like I’m pretty sure the only recipes under the recipe tab on the blog are for brownie and some doughnuts! So Countdown challenged me to create a new dish using their chicken on Price Lockdown. I gave an apricot chicken recipe a go, and well, I pretty much nailed it. The best part is Rocky and Ruby totally demolished it. Go and check it out, I promise you can’t stuff it up ha.”

Winner winner chicken dinner.

“So we all know I’m not great cook, like I’m pretty sure the only recipes under the recipe tab on the blog are for brownie and some doughnuts! So Countdown challenged me to create a new dish using their chicken on Price Lockdown. I gave an apricot chicken recipe a go, and well, I pretty much nailed it. The best part is Rocky and Ruby totally demolished it. Go and check it out, I promise you can’t stuff it up ha.”

Mum hacks with NZ Post. "You know when you buy something super sweet online and then you are stalking the courier, but you have kids that need picking up from kindy or whatever, so you leave it till the ultimate last minute before you drive like a mad woman to get there on time? Then you rush home to find in that teeny tiny window you have missed the bloody courier and there is one of those really annoying Cards to Call saying, “Sorry yo, but you’re fat out of luck, we can probably deliver tomorrow or, you’re more than welcome to drive across town and pick it up yourself.” 

Mum hacks with NZ Post.

"You know when you buy something super sweet online and then you are stalking the courier, but you have kids that need picking up from kindy or whatever, so you leave it till the ultimate last minute before you drive like a mad woman to get there on time? Then you rush home to find in that teeny tiny window you have missed the bloody courier and there is one of those really annoying Cards to Call saying, “Sorry yo, but you’re fat out of luck, we can probably deliver tomorrow or, you’re more than welcome to drive across town and pick it up yourself.” 

The bag rider. We got sent this bloody fantastic product last year and I figured it was time to really give it the credit it deserves plus I am always getting messages about it so if I write it down and it’s all in the one place then it’s easy for everyone right! It’s called the Bag Rider and it’s by Mountain Buggy. It’s weird I’ll be the first to admit that ha it’s like a bag that fits in carry on but it transforms into a strollery thing and it keeps your kid leash free in the airport. We have used ours so many times and not once have I used it where people haven’t been all oh wow what is that?! My mum always jokes that we need business cards for when we are out without Mountain Buggy products because that many people stop us especially with our two odd looking ones the uni rider and the bag rider. When I received the information about the bag rider in my head I did not picture what I received but shit this thing is way better than I could have ever imagined!

The bag rider.

We got sent this bloody fantastic product last year and I figured it was time to really give it the credit it deserves plus I am always getting messages about it so if I write it down and it’s all in the one place then it’s easy for everyone right! It’s called the Bag Rider and it’s by Mountain Buggy. It’s weird I’ll be the first to admit that ha it’s like a bag that fits in carry on but it transforms into a strollery thing and it keeps your kid leash free in the airport. We have used ours so many times and not once have I used it where people haven’t been all oh wow what is that?! My mum always jokes that we need business cards for when we are out without Mountain Buggy products because that many people stop us especially with our two odd looking ones the uni rider and the bag rider. When I received the information about the bag rider in my head I did not picture what I received but shit this thing is way better than I could have ever imagined!

Home sweet home. "We are moving out! Yep at the ripe old age of 26 we are moving out of home again it’s like we are 18 year olds moving out again and it’s so bloody exciting but at the same time It's a bit bitter sweet. We tried to buy a house and when I say tried I mean we really really really tried to buy a house like I tried everything and it just wasn’t going to happen, I thought I would write about it because there’s a lot in the media about first home buyers at the moment and not one thing has been alike our story. I have nothing against these articles because hey these people have been able to get into their own home and someone might get something from it, like someone might not realise there’s a town called Oamaru that you could move to and buy a house for like $150,000 but then who can really just up and move to the middle of nowhere? Trust me I have looked at every single angle of us buying a house right now and if one of these solutions applied to us I would have grabbed it with two hands but they don’t."

Home sweet home.

"We are moving out! Yep at the ripe old age of 26 we are moving out of home again it’s like we are 18 year olds moving out again and it’s so bloody exciting but at the same time It's a bit bitter sweet. We tried to buy a house and when I say tried I mean we really really really tried to buy a house like I tried everything and it just wasn’t going to happen, I thought I would write about it because there’s a lot in the media about first home buyers at the moment and not one thing has been alike our story. I have nothing against these articles because hey these people have been able to get into their own home and someone might get something from it, like someone might not realise there’s a town called Oamaru that you could move to and buy a house for like $150,000 but then who can really just up and move to the middle of nowhere? Trust me I have looked at every single angle of us buying a house right now and if one of these solutions applied to us I would have grabbed it with two hands but they don’t."

Summer with Fly Buys "I’m all about Summer and I’m not letting the small technicality that it’s not actually summer any more get me down, I heard a rumour that Autumn is the new Summer so we are embracing it! Our kids are outside kids they are out there first thing in the morning and till the sun sets at night ok well until they are forced into bed probably sill grubby with wet hair from being in the pool for a good few hours, Rocky loves his pool so when we were cashing in our last lot of fly buys points I thought I would let him pick something out, it was great until his giant pizza arrived and I was like bro it doesn’t even fit in your pool?! And he’s like Mum it’s fine and it’s a pizza boat so it’s meant to be MASSIVE which is also his fave word at the moment like literally everything is massive which is fine and cute and what not but it’s only a matter of time before his new describing word gets him into a pickle! HA. Any way he picked the inflatable pizza boat thing and he loves it he actually loves it so much he took it to his room and was pretty set on sleeping with it until I told him pizza’s don’t sleep in bed’s and they much prefer to sleep in the garage, I mean who needs a teddy when you can have a giant pizza in your bed at night."

Summer with Fly Buys

"I’m all about Summer and I’m not letting the small technicality that it’s not actually summer any more get me down, I heard a rumour that Autumn is the new Summer so we are embracing it! Our kids are outside kids they are out there first thing in the morning and till the sun sets at night ok well until they are forced into bed probably sill grubby with wet hair from being in the pool for a good few hours, Rocky loves his pool so when we were cashing in our last lot of fly buys points I thought I would let him pick something out, it was great until his giant pizza arrived and I was like bro it doesn’t even fit in your pool?! And he’s like Mum it’s fine and it’s a pizza boat so it’s meant to be MASSIVE which is also his fave word at the moment like literally everything is massive which is fine and cute and what not but it’s only a matter of time before his new describing word gets him into a pickle! HA. Any way he picked the inflatable pizza boat thing and he loves it he actually loves it so much he took it to his room and was pretty set on sleeping with it until I told him pizza’s don’t sleep in bed’s and they much prefer to sleep in the garage, I mean who needs a teddy when you can have a giant pizza in your bed at night."

Rants in the dark. "I’ve never written a book review before but when I was asked to review the new Emily Writes book like shit I was going to say no! I fucking love Emily, like a lot ha well not in a weird creepy way because she said in her book that she has met some weird creepy people online and I’m totes not one of them but in saying that I did message her and offer to do her make up for hew Christchurch book toury thing because well like I said I really fucking like her. I think the part that really sold it for me was when she said that she had made her son Eddie a luncheon sandwich like instead of bread she used luncheon so it was basically three pieces of luncheon together, this moment is what cemented Emily in my wise mum club. I don’t know who else is in it, I just made it up but my mum is def in there and Emily so that’s enough right"

Rants in the dark.

"I’ve never written a book review before but when I was asked to review the new Emily Writes book like shit I was going to say no! I fucking love Emily, like a lot ha well not in a weird creepy way because she said in her book that she has met some weird creepy people online and I’m totes not one of them but in saying that I did message her and offer to do her make up for hew Christchurch book toury thing because well like I said I really fucking like her. I think the part that really sold it for me was when she said that she had made her son Eddie a luncheon sandwich like instead of bread she used luncheon so it was basically three pieces of luncheon together, this moment is what cemented Emily in my wise mum club. I don’t know who else is in it, I just made it up but my mum is def in there and Emily so that’s enough right"

The sticker kid "We are going through some shit right now and it’s serious… We my friends have started a sticker chart. And fuck me it’s going terrible like we are probably the world’s worst sticker parents, you know when you try get your kids pumped for something so you bloody go on and on and on about it all the frekin time? Yep well we did that you know we were all yo Rocky look at this dope sticker chart mum whipped up on word, yes yes I know it’s a master piece but that’s not why we are talking about it, you see Rocky we are talking about it because you my dear little devil child you have to stay in your bed all bloody night long and until at least 6am if you want a sticker. Kapesh? Ok? So you totally understand? Great so three stickers gets you a toy and then next time it will be four stickers gets you a toy and then five stickers gets you a toy and then seven stickers gets you a toy and then you’ll probably be like five because you have no idea what’s going on and you really don’t get this whole sticker chart thing and then when your five and still not staying in your own mother fucking bed we will probably just move you into the cupboard under the stairs whack a lock on it start calling you Harry and then get you a pet called Dobby."

The sticker kid

"We are going through some shit right now and it’s serious… We my friends have started a sticker chart. And fuck me it’s going terrible like we are probably the world’s worst sticker parents, you know when you try get your kids pumped for something so you bloody go on and on and on about it all the frekin time? Yep well we did that you know we were all yo Rocky look at this dope sticker chart mum whipped up on word, yes yes I know it’s a master piece but that’s not why we are talking about it, you see Rocky we are talking about it because you my dear little devil child you have to stay in your bed all bloody night long and until at least 6am if you want a sticker. Kapesh? Ok? So you totally understand? Great so three stickers gets you a toy and then next time it will be four stickers gets you a toy and then five stickers gets you a toy and then seven stickers gets you a toy and then you’ll probably be like five because you have no idea what’s going on and you really don’t get this whole sticker chart thing and then when your five and still not staying in your own mother fucking bed we will probably just move you into the cupboard under the stairs whack a lock on it start calling you Harry and then get you a pet called Dobby."

Meet a mum who had an abortion... "I started this post ages ago and then I got real awkward and just yarned and tried to cover my tracks and explained everything to much when this is my blog and I actually don’t have to explain shit like I can literally write about whatever the fuck I want to. So now I’m all fuck it and I’m just putting pen to paper like I do and I’m writing about the time I got an abortion. There have been so many things in the media lately about women and their bodies and their rights and so many times abortion was brought up, I’ve actually been meaning to talk about the subject since I started the blog because it’s kind of tabo and I think that is all shit so here I am getting on with it and sharing my story. Would you say I’m pro-abortion? I guess so I am a firm believer that no one should tell us what to do with our bodies or judge someone on what they do with their bodies, I also become highly agitated and punchy when I read the comments on any termination article on the internet."

Meet a mum who had an abortion...

"I started this post ages ago and then I got real awkward and just yarned and tried to cover my tracks and explained everything to much when this is my blog and I actually don’t have to explain shit like I can literally write about whatever the fuck I want to. So now I’m all fuck it and I’m just putting pen to paper like I do and I’m writing about the time I got an abortion. There have been so many things in the media lately about women and their bodies and their rights and so many times abortion was brought up, I’ve actually been meaning to talk about the subject since I started the blog because it’s kind of tabo and I think that is all shit so here I am getting on with it and sharing my story. Would you say I’m pro-abortion? I guess so I am a firm believer that no one should tell us what to do with our bodies or judge someone on what they do with their bodies, I also become highly agitated and punchy when I read the comments on any termination article on the internet."

Sleep Rocky sleep "Are you still tired? Please tell me I’m not the only one still tired? Today we are a week in yep one whole week since the clocks went back or forward I actually have no idea ha story of my life right now. I don’t even know what else I can say apart from a week in and we are still firmly on struggle street, it’s like 6am we have been awake for what feels like one million years and one child is pantless while the other is smooshing peanut butter into the couch while growling like a lion, yep it’s a fucking fun fest around here."

Sleep Rocky sleep

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