I have my period now fuck off.
Ok so here’s the thing I don’t get my period I just skip those little yellow pills and I live in a land full of ignorant period free bliss, it’s great I’ saving the world by not using sanitary products and I can have sex like all the time (yeah right) any way sometimes it’s like these little yellow pills get mad at me and then they make the white pills that are normally team Bekah drug me and then I get my fucking lame ass period any way, like seriously it’s like they rufie me.
Fun side note fact when I had Rocky I got my period back after like 6 weeks or something so basically when the I just had a baby bleeding stopped the here’s your period bitch bleeding started and well I thought that was totally normal until I read a thread in a mum’s group where they were like when did your periods come back after you had a baby and I’m sitting there up to my neck in nappies reading comment after comment all like oh like 10 months, oh mine wasn’t for 15 months, my kids fucking 30 and I still don’t have it (ok last bit was an exaggeration) but you get my gist I’m over here like yo I got mine like the month after?! WTF actually WTF WTF WTF so I asked my mum because mama duke knows everything and she’s all yeah you don’t normally get it that early and then she was probably like well at least you were early for something in your life and I’m like fuck you mum and fuck you period. I had always heard those stories where people thought that if you hadn’t gotten your period after having a baby then you were totally not able to get knocked up like it was a legit contraceptive and then I would be thinking A- Who really believes that its just as bad as the pull out method and B- Who the fuck has sex in those first like 6 weeks, ah but little did I know they didn’t get their periods after one month they were talking about MONTHS down the track, yep I got bloody jacked, ripped off, taken for a ride call it what you want it was shithouse literally you know that saying if the river runs red take the dirt track OMG I can’t believe I just said that haha but I’m joking that’s obvs why I said it trust me if it was a thing I would not have written it here.
Any way that was off topic but just writing that made me feel better so yay for me.
Right so I’ve got this stupid little period but after taking about after baby periods I’m kind of thinking I should re think my calling it a period because really it’s not a period is needing to use two fucking surfboard pads (I HATE PADS, you can read more about that here) and still have to sleep on a towel that’s a period. This this is more of no I’m not going to describe it to you I’m just going to say it’s like a baby period and that’s where we will leave it ok. Great so I’ve basically got a g string panty liner in because that’s all I need to contain this mini period which is great it’s really great the problem is I’m acting like a fucking hormonal crazy mess. I have actually told Jared I would cut him three times and each time he has said something super annoying like the jail time associated with the crime or another lame ass police fact and this makes me want to cut him again and again so I pretty much cut him off all morning because looking at him made me mad like there’s this term they used to use in the army in a totally not bad way (Ok in a bad way but like to mates and shit) and you’d be like bro you’ve really got a punch me face and well this morning Jared had a punch me face he had a face that screamed I am a punching bag for my hormonal periody wife, obvs I didn’t punch him or cut him but I didn’t look at him again then he came and groveled and fuck me he still said the most annoying things but he was sweet in the way that he said them plus he was wearing that ridiculous dressing gown so how could I stay so pissy at him, oh and he’s about to start late shift so I’ll be asleep when he gets home and that helps.
I’m going away again this Friday without the kids for like four days so he reminded me about that and I was like bro that’s not helping even though it was helping I was thinking about how I’d be eating burgers and drinking beers with my gal squad and he would be watching the wiggles and dressing up in fairy costumes with Ruby or when I would be catching a flight to Melbourne on my own and he would be making school lunches and doing the kindy and preschool run oh shit I started to feel better, it was bliss, these were really happy thoughts. Funny story when we came home from Auckland after Easter weekend he was all wahh the kids don’t love me when you guys get home from being away and then the next day he was like oh I’m so ready for you guys to all go away again and I was like brah you know it’s just me going and I’m not taking the kids and he’s all what you always take the kids and I was like not this time SUCKER, then I quickly reminded him about how the day before he was complaining that I always take the kids away so now they get 5 days of quality bonding time, my mum has bets on how long it’ll take before they pop in to their place for an all day visit hahaha.
So that’s the story about that one time ok this is one of many times I’ve hated the sight of my amazingly dilfy husband because my old mate period took over my body, thanks for listening I’m off to make a double batch of brownie and watch Jane the Virgin in between rubbing the back of my cold riddled babe back to sleep.