The other night I meet with some fellow internet baby mama's you know kind of like a tinder date for mums.. but its a weird sixsome tinder date not one on one ha. It was a blast there was dessert and I mean really really good dessert not just yo here's a sara lee apple strudel I've chucked in the oven 15 minutes ago, I'm talking in the kitchen all bloody day slaving away on a freking lime cheese cake and strawberry brownie with a swirl of coolay (I know its not spelt like this guys but its for dramatic effect ok) but wait there's more there wasn't just a big cheese cake or a whole pan of brownie this was individual desserts beautifully presented on a plate under a blanket of icing sugar and swimming in a pool of ice-cream... Yes I just went way over board describing it but its kind of all I have right now JFJ remember mates (that was basically porn and really inappropriate soz for taking it to far guys).
That was also all really of topic I could have gone straight into the goods but I couldn't not give credit to Hiedee for her domestic goddessness, ok so the point of this blogs to talk about the shit I wish I was told when I was pregnant/having kids and in turn I'm going to tell you. Its scary and hairy and probably way TMI buttttt thats kind of the whole point, we got talking on that fab dessert night about the things you don't get warned about when you have kids and it made me be all well obvs I need to say something .
I think the moral of this yarn is that we are all normal in our own abnormal ways like whats normal for me might not be normal for you but by sharing what I wish someone had told me it then makes weird shit a bit more normal? I'm putting it all out there and I'm going to talk about things that are not only incredibly embarrassing but also things I had decided was to much info to share with the world but then at the same time by not saying anything we are still in the dark.
- You don't just shit your self in labour but you will probably piss as well. Ok so that might not be entirely true like it might have just been me buttttt it might happen to you so I'll tell you about it any way, I shit when I had Rocky but everyone tells you you'll do a poop so I wasn't to concerned it is what it is. Plus when you poop you literally don't know like at all the midwife or whoever is down the business end just whips it away before you can say bobs your uncle, plus mates your pushing a fucking baby out your vag a poop out your bum is the least of your worries lol. But we all know you shit so the thing I really want to talk bout is the wee sitcho it was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life heres how it went.. I was like I need to wee and they were like no you don't you just wee'd and I was like no I really need to wee so they were like ok you mustn't have much just wee and I was like on the bed saying NO they were like B just wee it'll only be a dribble it's fine we have seen worse I was all ok if you say so (I'm on all fours on a hospital bed) so I open the flood gates and start the piss train but then I couldn't stop like I literally couldn't stop it wasn't a dribble it was a fucking waterfall it was the Niagra bloody falls like the wee was everywhere it was on the bed and the floor and there was so much piss it almost flooded the room I swear it was that bad. You know the wee I'm talking about when you are busting and you go to the toilet and it just doesn't stop and you can't tighten it up and make it stop because theres just so much like when you feel like a horse pissing well it was that wee, arghhhhh it was terrible but what was a girl meant to do they told me too and I was not moving off that bed, I wasn't lazy I was just following the medical professions advice haha so ladies if they tell you to piss the bed don't listen drag your whale of an arse to the toilet and sit down trust me it will not be "just a dribble"!!
- You will still look pregnant after you have the baby. Like really pregnant unless your a total superwoman/babe/stayed fit during pregnancy and even then you will to a certain extent still look knocked up but your just a bit hotter than the rest of us, I remember when I saw a picture of Kate Middleton when she left the hospital with wee babe George and she wore this dress that showed she had a bump still she looked amazing with her hair did and her makeup on but she still looked like a normal woman who had just given birth. This was such an amazing moment in my mind as she sent a message to woman every where of what your body looks like after birth, she didn't take her clothes of and was like look at my post abby body like I did ha but she in her own subtle way showed the world whats up. I rang my mum and was like yo mum what the shit Princess Kate looks like she still got a bun in the oven what is this and why does she look like that?! Then my mum was all yo B thats legit, you will look like that where do you think the weight you've gained goes? You'll be swollen as shit and tubby as hell, I legit had know idea lol I thought I would be all washboard abs and tight skin instantly (I didn't think this but I also didn't think I'd still look so knocked up with an almost perfectly round bump). And the jelly texture like its just a tubby, jelly, wobbly lardy mess seriously its weird.
- Code brown, your body is not the same after. Ok this is really the worst thing to tell you and I can't believe I'm admitting it but its all in the name of my baby mamas because it might happen to you and if it does I want you to know you are not alone OMG this is really really embarrassing but after I had Rocky which was a 36ish hour labour that involved four hours of pushing, an episiotomy and a ventouse delivery I pooped my pants. Yep I just said it I shit my pants and it was sooooo awks well it wasn't because know one was around like I wasn't in line at the supermarket or anything but it still happened. The nurse was really sweet about it when I told her because I was like what do I do I've literally got shit in my undies and my baby is crying obvs I needed a shower but I wasn't prepared to just leave baby Rocky in the room alone so I had to tell her my naughty little secret ok not naughty gross my gross little secret, she was very kind and didn't make me feel like a two year old toilet training haha she also made me feel pretty normal about it like maybe it happens all the time (I'm sure it doesn't and it was just old poopy pants me). The only thing I can put it down to is the fact that its so messed up down there and everything is so loose and saggy and what not like you literally have no control over anything below the waist plus the stitches sitcho and then your uncomfortable and it just happened ok I don't really know how but it did and I've just a admitted it on the internet lol.
- Code brown take two. I guess nothing tops code brown take one but this is probably more common I'm pretty sure it happens to everyone, the fear of pooping after birth. This is a legit thing guys you will be terrified of the toilet after birthing a baby vaginally, its such a mental thing to overcome when you just know how uncomfortable it all is down there but you gotta take a shit and your scared. Your scared of so many things the giant poo, the burning of your vag hole, the heomeroidds you have (I'll get to those), the stitches, the fact that when you sit on toilet you feel like your insides might just fall out your butt hole and be lost in the toilet word for ever, there are so many things your frightened of but all of those things your head is telling you just make it so much worse. Its a mental game you've just got to get it done once and then your away swinging that first poop is such a huge accomplishment I promptly went to the lounge to tell both my mum and Jared that I had done a glorious number two and proceeded to give a round of high fives (if you've had a baby and successfully taken a shit since you will know the feeling, if you still are holding in your poop you need to see someone). Don't let your self get blocked up by holding it in to long ok and if that happens drink that kiwifruit stuff or prune juice or something also if you are really struggling hold a flannel or toilet paper over your vag region whilst pushing it helps trust me.
- All the bum issues. I'm sorry this is the last shit story but its important ok you might get these things called heomeroidds which in a nutshell is your bum falling out of your bum, its terrible its really really annoying and uncomfortable. You will notice them pretty soon after pushing the kid out, you can either have a wee feel down there (I suggest doing this in the bath) or you will be feeling pretty un comfy and you can say hello little bobbles of insides hanging out your bum. They're annoying more than anything else and its hard because you want to poop but your worried your pooping them back out again, they come from the pressure you put on that area when pushing out the baby (I made this up but I think its right?!)'s look at it this way you can't push a baby out with all your might and keep your bum hole closed at the same time its just not possible they are to close together and your body gets far to confused. A quick trip to the doctor for some cream will help get rid of these mates or again in the bath you can actually gently pop them back up where they belong and it they are small enough or just well behaved they might stay the hell away, and have an epsom salt bath which is just in general its good for the vagina.
- Breastfeeding is really really really hard. Its harder than labour and pregnancy and birth and having a newborn and it pretty much trumps everything it is the worst, but at the same time its also amazing and the best and so good. The issue is however nobody tell you how hard it is, its so natural they say and its beautiful they say I want know where they got there info because it's not natural you don't know what your doing and your baby doesn't know what they're doing its a skill that needs to be taught and then practiced and it might be beautiful later on if your Miranda Kerr breastfeeding baby Flynn back stage in a robe super glam at a Victoria Secrets show but there is nothing beautiful about ugly crying for the first three weeks because its so painful and there is nothing beautiful about cracked bleeding nips and swollen engorged breasts. I have two breastfed babes and I love breastfeeding but we also need to be realistic and it frustrates me antenatal classes don't touch on the difficulty involved in breastfeeding this journey would be so much easier with some realistic advice and expectations. You can read my breastfeeding story here.
- Babies aren't pretty. This isn't really a must because you'll love your child know matter what but shit new borns are not all they're cracked up to be as far as appearance goes, they look like little old people crossed with aliens and then a hint of gorilla. Ruby was way cuter than Rocky and she was still a hairy little mess but shit Rocky he was not a pretty sight he was covered in hair and literally looked like benjmin button and not when he's cute and brad pitty but when he's that ugly little old man. You can disagree and be all no way jose my kid was beautiful from the day it vacated my gucci vagina in its full get up of designer clothes but some of you will be all preach it sister.
- When you have a ventouse delivery you still have to push. This might be obvious to some people but I legit believed (thanks to antenatal class) that when you have a baby and need help in the form of a ventouse they just chuck a suction cup to the head of the babe and wham bam thank you mam they just whip it out and old mother hubbard does nothing literally so when the time came to vacate the baby I was like yo I have a contraction what do I do and they were all push just push and I was like erm no thank you I don't do that you just pull it out?! I was not prepared to actually continue pushing Rocky out when the doctor could of just got the job done argh thanks for setting me up mates.
- Hospital rooms are lonely when your a first time mum. I remember the moment when everyone had gone and it was just me and Rocky and I was like um shit what do I do with you, it was incredibly overwhelming and I was terrified. I was tired and alone and realised I was a bit scared, I freaked out and called Jared who was asleep and didn't answer and then I called the home phone where my bestie Alex answered and I lost my shit crying and carrying on because I was so over whelmed and tired obvs she's a gem and came in to the hospital straight away only to be refused entry because it was out of visiting hours, she explained the situation and was still turned away even though she was at the birth and had only left half an hour or so before but what really grinds my gears the most is no came to check on me no one came and said hey such and such is here because you called them she can't come in due to our policies but is their anything we can do or offer some support (I was literally a blubbering mess) so she had to go and I was left in my room crying alone. She went home woke up Jared and he came in and saved the day but I was not prepared for that scenario at all because it just hit so hard and fast being tired, emotionally exhausted and over whelmed is not a good time. Thankfully it was a one off but I am very aware it isn't a one off for so many woman and I will share someones PND story very soon.
- That there is an amazing community of mothers online. This I'm sure everyone knows now but 2.5 years a go I had know idea at three in the morning I could just find a mate online also up feeding an annoying baby and chat about shit, I can't believe it took me until Ruby to start this blog and I can't believe I didn't follow any blogs when I had Rocky. I wish I knew that I could make life long friends with like minded mums from all over NZ and from all walks of life, I wish I knew there were others feeling how I was and there were others going through the exact same thing. I didn't know but I'm telling you reach out say hi don't be a stranger I will reply it might take me a week or month but I will reply and I will always always offer support thought the blog and my other platforms, seek out mates join a village and if you can't start you own with your own baby mamas there are people out there just like you dealing with the same hit as you and they probably need a mate too.