Well apparently you all loved my blog post from a wee while back where I discussed all the things I wish I had been told about having kids, it turned out most of it was poop related or just other plain gross shit but also it was mainly to do with pregnancy or childbirth sooooo I thought I would do a Part Two where I can yarn about the few things I missed and also more baby related.
Here we go I'll try keep it less feral this time or maybe its the feralness everyone loves so much?!
- You have to wear a bra like 24/7, ok it might seem super obvious to some but not me. Like I new I'd be leaky mc leak leak but I don't know I guess I just assumed it didn't happen at night? WTF was I thinking?! Seriously did I just expect my body and my baby to have a little telepathic chat and be all hey I'm not going to wake up tonight so don't worry about producing milk and just wait till the morning ok sweet cya. Ermmmm no that is not what happens and if you don't wear a bra to bed with little pads in it you will wake up swimming in your own milk, well either that or you will think the baby daddy next to you got a bit excited at your bosoms that grew magically overnight and it could be another white milky substance?!(too far, did I take that too far lol) I was so used to letting the titties out at night it never crossed my mind I would need to cage them on that first night home so naturally I went braless and it wasn't pretty not only did I leak everywhere but it hurt a lot so please just keep your bra on, like literally keep it on from now until the end of your breastfeeding eternity and then keep it on for longer than that my recommendation would be for like ever 24/7 or at least until you take your self off to Thailand because if you don't keep them in that bra they might hang down below your t shirt hem.
- You get a let down and its weird as, so when your feeding the child your other boob will squirt milk in all directions but it will also do this at random times normally when its super inconvenient. I was chatting with another IG mum one day and she said she got a let down when she was at a meeting about going back to work, plus it was a fancy car yard and they were all guys luckily they were husbands with wives and children so understood but still I'm sure she wanted to just slink away and hide! This let down thing will also happen on cue when another baby cries, when your looking at pictures of you baby or just when ever your boob feels like being a cunt (sorry for using this word mum and dad but yolo also in my defence I dint use the C word to describe my children so technically its exempt from a growling).
- Your baby doesn't actually eat anything in the first few days, I know they drink the liquid gold (correct term is colostrum) and I knew that your milk takes a few days to come it but I didn't realise they just don't really eat or drink anything until then. Hmmmm think about it and its weird. (I also haven't fact checked this, did I make it up or am I right?)
- You get these fucking horrendous after pains, this is big guys please pay attention. Fuckkkkk is all I can say it really really hurts I honestly did not realise afterpains were a thing, I remember getting them with Rocky but not that bad and then you have a second and woahhhh its like giving birth all over again. I'm not telling you this to scare you I'm telling you because in my opinion its easier to deal with something you are aware of and prepared for so no need to tell me I'm terrifying pregnant bitches ok, I'm not I like to think I'm helping a sister out. Literally for the first few days if not first week every time you feed your baby you feel like its evil mutant twin is still inside your uterus and is stabbing its way out through your ovaries, its so bad like really bad but then on top of that your already crying about your cracked nips and it just makes for a really fantastic time NOT its the pits. But I did find leaning back like sinking into your seat with your feet up on something and having a hot water bottle behind your back really helped so please do try that. Also take drugs they help oh and arnica oh and rescue remedy. I really really wish someone told me about these. Side note the pain is good, the pain is your uterus shrinking back down to size and with every pain means your body is doing amazing and working to do what its meant to, try to remember this when your gritting your teeth and curling your toes.
- Sleep. Babies sleep a lot, you know how they say sleep when your baby sleeps well you really should because NB babies sleep a shitload of the time. I know some babies are right terrors and don't sleep but I think for at least the first week or so most babies sleep pretty well so take advantage of this and sleep, also don't become alarmed the sleeping is ok but if your really worried just shove your fingers under their nose (no its not to see if they can smell something funky) and see if you can feel their breathing. If you already have a kid I know you have done this fuck knows how many times I snuck into Rocky's room after an exceptionally long nap and put my fingers by his nostril just to make sure he was alive, sorry Rubes for some reason I have never done this with you and your almost eight months old awks I promise to care and do this tomorrow. But he flip side of that is you wont sleep very well at all even if the baby sleeps you wont sleep, when I had Rocky I wasn't prepared for the fact that he would sleep well and then I wouldn't be able to sleep it was so shit. He would be sleeping like a baby all night but I was awake all the time listening to his breathing and his movements and everything else, it was a nightmare I was so on edge when I should have been sleeping. Then there was the bloody baby noises you know that snuffling they do, shit it kept be awake all night long.People told me to sleep when the baby sleeps but I should have taken them way more seriously, trust me SLEEP WHEN THE BLOODY BABY SLEEPS.
- You literally give birth twice once to the babe and then again to the placenta, technically this is still a birth one but I forgot it last time. Shit team this one is annoying when I had Rocky so much was going on including shitting myself twice, bleeding nipples, pissing myself and then pooping out my insides I was given help to birth my placenta which was great I don't even remember it like the bro in the white gumboots who had his hands inside my vagina just got the placenta out so when I had to do it myself with Ruby I was not expecting it to be that hard. Like hey you just pushed a kid out your hoo ha now I want you to push something equally as large out and if you could do it quickly that would be great, arghhh are you shitting me like theres real contractions and you have to actually push, plus its gross because you also have a cord having out of you and you know its their and its so weird so you don't want to move around because you can feel it tugging on the inside of you. It's actually so strange and it freaked me the hell out, my midwife kept encouraging me to go sit on the toilet and let gravity help but I just couldn't bare to get up and walk there knowing I had a bliming rope dangling out of my box hanging between my legs but you should listen to your midwife because after pushing and complaining for 45 minutes I got out waddled to the toilet and in 20 seconds the placenta juts plopped out into a bowl and it made the strangest noise it literally plops haha.
- You might have a hard time, you might not bond with your baby immediately and thats ok. (more coming on this)
- You will wear two surfboard sized pads and then sleep on a towel for the first week, this might spend like an over exageration but its not ok. My mums the one who was like I've popped a towel down on your bed just incase and I was all in case of what?! Surely I wont piss or shit myself again?! And no I wouldn't do either of those things but you bleed a lot like a really really lot, sooo sleeping on a towel was a good idea because sometimes the double maternity pads juts don't cut it. Also I am not normally a pad wearer they are not my jam and I hadn't worn one in years (probably since I was like 12) so it was nice having that piece of mind no body wants to deal with the leaking sitcho ever I don't think.
- Your baby will wake up every time you are about to eat, like literally as soon as you load up the first fork or spoon you will hear wah wah wah wah and your baby will wake up demanding attention. You are their slave, they may eat but you may not ok. It's best to just not eat or if you really need to eat then unplug the baby monitor or eat in the garden.
- You must feed your baby with both boobs if you are breastfeeding. When Rocky was born I had so much trouble feeding off one of my bosoms and I took it upon myself to just stop feeding him off the one side, it was a great plan like my breast was a bit on the tight side but at least my nipple wasn't being cut to shreds by the gummy mouth of a starving newborn. Sooo this is how it played out a few days in you know me all puffy and milf like and the kid is killing my right nip so I'm like no biggy I'll just feed of the good side that only makes me cry for 10 seconds not a whole minute. It was a win win in my mind but then on day three my mum arrived and was like yo B that shit is whack you can't just not feed on one side, where do you think the milk goes? Have you never heard of mastitis! Arghhh yeah but I don't know how you get it, mates she had me in the shower quick smart telling me to express into a hot flannel to receive some pressure then onto the pump until I could figure out the devil nipple situation. I don't even want to think what would have happened if my mum didn't help a sister out there, moral of the story is if you are able to use your boobs to feed don't play around it might get messy!
You know when your like oh yeah I'll write something it'll be a winner like the last one the baby girls will love it, welllll I don't think we have hit the nail on the head here. The sequel is never as good as the first one like ever have you guys seen the bring it on sequel seriously how good was the first one (admittedly I was 10 when it came out but it was still bloody good)! But its all real life experiences from me and you never know they might help someone out there in mum land so baby mamas I hope you got something out of it and enjoyed reading about the baby related things I knew nothing about.