If I have to clean my house for you, we can’t be friends.
Here’s the thing I’m not a disgusting person like I clean and shit (most of the time) but I don’t always keep my house tidy, I am the world’s worst house wife and I’m super open about that. Seriously ask my mum or my mates or anyone that knows me and they will tell you keeping shit organized is not my thing, going back to the house wife thing though I put out and my kids are still alive so I’m not failing that bad right?! Any who I was about to list all these things that most people would think is gross and be all I’ not feral I don’t do this and I don’t do that but as I started listing them I was like fuck I do all of these.
Like I was going to be I don’t leave dirty nappies laying around but I totally do (only wees ones though so that’s ok right?), then I was going to say I don’t leave dirty dishes on my bench but I do like I’ll happily leave them there all day then rush to load that dish washer before Jared gets home, I leave a pile of recycling at the back door and sometimes I’ll leave a big old black sack of rubbish just sitting there for a few days because it’s raining and taking it out to the bin is admin as fuck, I don’t leave the kids breakfast bowls out on their table until lunchtime when I’ve watched a few Netflix eps and replied to some emails but guilty I totally do oh and last one I am the worst vacuumed like don’t expect shit to be vacuumed asap around here. I am officially that person and if you can’t deal with it we literally can’t be friends, I had a mate popover today she thought about bringing sushi and then opted for McDonalds she arrived with happy meals in arms and cheese burgers for the mama’s shit she is my kind of gal like that means we are destined for lifelong friendship, oh and the place looked like a bloody bull had bashed through it but really it was old mate Rocky. I knew she wouldn't judge and I knew she wouldn’t care that I wasn’t wearing a bra and I had turned my undies inside out because the washing was so not done (I actually don’t own a washing machine) totes joking about the grundie sitcho I 100% had clean gruts on yo but you get the point.
Some might call me lazy as fuck, shit I call myself lazy as fuck but the thing is I want friends that can pop over and not blink an eye at the train track that goes from my lounge to my kitchen then loops around the back of the toilet, I want mates that will look at the quality of my baking not the baking dishes piled in the sink and I want gal pals that will just sit down on y couch even if it’s covered in toast crumbs and they have to sit between two stains that’s origin is unknown. I promise it won’t be like an episode of hoarders but it might my house might/probably will resemble a fucking zoo with a keeper who doesn’t give a fuck, the thing is I do live in a zoo I live in a bloody great zoo with me as the keeper and these amazing babes as my animals, we live life and we do it well, we don’t stress over shit being spilt because we can use a carpet cleaner we don’t worry about noodles in the bedroom because we have a vacuum cleaner and we would rather have a dope as train track than sit in a sterile environment (I know I know there’s somewhere in the middle of sterile and lived in but I still can’t even get there #soz).
I just can’t be bothered with people that I have to impress people that don’t fit into my habitat naturally and I want to share a cuppa on my stained as fuck couch while our children play I don’t want anyone to come into our home and feel awkward like they can’t touch anything or that they need to keep their kid sitting on their lap, I want noise and mess and a bloody good time so if this is your jam then get at me yo, don’t judge me for being a filthy mongrel just have a drink and the best brownie you have ever eaten in your life and bobs you bloody uncle.
Let me know I’m not alone in this literal mess babes, oh and if you think I’m a pig don’t you dear tell me ha.