I’ve never had a stalker in real life but I do have a toddler who seems to resemble some traits I think a legit stalker would have, like you know those movies and you’re at the edge of your seat because the stalker is just on the other side of the glass and you know the stalked is about to realise and then that music starts and you get one hell of a fright even though you knew it was coming. Yep well welcome to my world right now, my name is Rebecca and I am dealing with a stalker.

Here’s the problem I can’t report him or add extra security to keep him out because I am his mother and he lives here, aha Rocky Lima is my stalker. He’s stalked before but we made it through and he hasn’t shown any stalker tendances in the past year or so which threw me, I truly believed we had moved on and I would be able to pee alone for the rest of my life because I can tell you right now Ruby is not a stalker legit the only thing she’s stalking is Mr Whippy. But alas his mummy’s boy alter ego has just rocked right back on in to my life now before when I talked about the stalker looking through the glass well that’s happened to me twice this week and its only Monday night that I writing this! So the first time I was in the shower and Jared was home so I figured he would keep both kids away but then next thing I know I have a bloody grubby little face pushed right up against the glass heavy breathing and shit. It was literally like a horror movie, he was just there and kind of tapping the glass like hey mum I foundddddd youuuuuuu. I guess I didn’t think it could get worse but then later in the day I went to the toilet (how dare I right?!) and hello who is creeping in with me.. Yep it's Rocky so I'm all oh hey surprise surprise what up Holmes so glad you could make it.

This is where it gets weird though no well actually it got weird twice the first was when I was in the shower, I turned the shower off which was fine but as I went to step out he kind of bent down and I guess you could say inspected me (insert eye roll) yep he was having a good old look and then he said mum are you peeing right now?! (insert death by embarrassing three year old) So here’s the thing the old fanny isn’t super hair free right now because I haven’t re scheduled my laser appointment this year which I must do because we are getting to chubby mum vag sasquatch stage and well ya no like the water runs down the bush and kind of collects and then pools/waterfalls/gushes to the ground?! Oh and there’s also the I had two children and the old box isn’t as tight as it once was and even having a shower I probably suck up like 10 litres of water which slowly leaks out of me for the next 10 minutes (seriously don’t get me started on baths, that’s like leaking for the next day or two ha). Ok so we have established there was a good ‘waterfall’ of water running from the lady bush and well it did look like I was peeing myself I get that especially to a person standing at vag height with a real exciting interest in anything toilet related (boys) but then he laughed all like your pissing in the shower and he then had the cheek to tell me off because he knows he not allowed to piss in the shower OMG I just got told off by my three year old for essentially having a hairy water collecting vagina and then he laughed… so how was your Monday?

Second time (why am I telling you this?!) was when I was sitting on the loo and he decided to join me and also decided that when he waltzed in he would leave the door wide open behind him (remember we live at my parents) and I’m like if your stalking me to the bathroom at least shut the door bro and he’s like no like he point blank just said no and I’m over there on the shitter just hanging out unable to do anything (I also was not pooping by the way) and he comes over to get a real close look because apparently that’s his thing in the bathroom he can’t just chill and sit there and wait for me he’s really got to get involved and offer his lame fucking little opinion every five seconds or so, any who so I’m on the pill and my shit is still fucked from having the last babe so there can be the odd spotting sitcho every now and then which had prompted me to wear a panty liner on this particular Monday and what does he do he looks inside my undies around my knees and exclaims “Mum you’ve got some poo in your nappy” yep that’s what he said to me and I was like oh ok cool thanks so much for your commentary but it’s not shit it’s called discharge and it’s really fucking normal and it also means that I’m really fucking close to getting my period which is really fucking great because I’m going to eat 2x blocks of rolo by 8am Monday morning even though I only brought them Saturday night and I’m going to cry like 10 times today over the stupidest shit and then I’m not even going to get laid and your dad is going to google can you have sex during your period like a fucking horn dog 15 year old kid (true story he googled this and it was an lol you should check out the tips Dr google gives you ha) and then I’m going to be all why didn’t I just skip that god damn sugar pill and I wouldn’t be explaining to a three year old what discharge is. (obvs that's the conversation that went on in my head and I didn’t swear at the child or tell him about his dads googling oh and for the record Jared did not gat laid during shark week and I also threatened to cut him if he made the rivers red take the dirt track comment one more time)

How was your Monday?

Thank shit they both go to pre-school tomorrow because it has been a long Monday and Mondays aren’t that shit hot in the first place am I right?! But we made it through even though Rocky was creeping and Ruby was just being her feral we self (she ate a whole pie today like WTF she's actually the size of a mouse) I’ll be ready to hang out with them both again on Wednesday until Thursday when I’ll be like get the fuck back to preschool ha.

P.s I’m back to writing for the hell of it because I love it and telling random yarns and sharing way to much of our lives and I’m so bloody excited like writing this just felt so right well weird but right so I hope you enjoy it baby mama’s!

B xx