I started this post ages ago and then I got real awkward and just yarned and tried to cover my tracks and explained everything to much when this is my blog and I actually don’t have to explain shit like I can literally write about whatever the fuck I want to.

So now I’m all fuck it and I’m just putting pen to paper like I do and I’m writing about the time I got an abortion.

There have been so many things in the media lately about women and their bodies and their rights and so many times abortion was brought up, I’ve actually been meaning to talk about the subject since I started the blog because it’s kind of tabo and I think that is all shit so here I am getting on with it and sharing my story. Would you say I’m pro-abortion? I guess so I am a firm believer that no one should tell us what to do with our bodies or judge someone on what they do with their bodies, I also become highly agitated and punchy when I read the comments on any termination article on the internet. It seriously blows my fucking mind that people in 2017 cannot keep their mouths shut if they don’t have something nice to say (in general hello internet trolls), and how close minded they can be on things like abortion. Do you know what I get it I do understand some of your reasons but I don’t agree with them and that’s cool we don’t have to agree but we also don’t have to shame each other or be little each other or just be out right dicks to each other did you know that we can both have an opinion and just keep it to ourselves without the bloody slanging match. I am well aware this post might cause offence, it might cause hate, it might cause pain (I’m sorry) and it might cause me to lose followers but I’m A Ok with that because it also might have someone sitting at home alone coming to terms with a hard decision feel like they are a good person doing the best in whatever situation they are in and maybe this will help them be Ok too. You don’t have to agree with me but I would appreciate it if you kept any negativity to yourself because this isn’t about you or me it’s about supporting women.

We were 19 when I fell pregnant and it was the most unexpected thing ever, I was on birth control and we sure as hell were not planning on having a baby at this stage in our lives. Do you know what I’m going to be super honest in this post so first thing is first this wasn’t traumatic for me I couldn’t tell you the due date or the date of my termination I didn’t dream about the sex of the baby or a name I didn’t mourn and I didn’t ever feel regret or resentment that I didn’t keep the baby. We lived in Linton and Jared was in the army I was about to start my dream job and we were having a bloody good time on the weekends, sure we had talked about having kids and it was always part of the bigger plan but it wasn’t in our plan right here, right now. I remember when I realized I might be knocked up I don’t know if I and missed a period or anything but my boobs grew and they hurt shit they hurt, I guess the penny dropped and I did a pregnancy test which hello was a positive. I couldn’t tell you how I told Jared or any of those details but I remember telling my mum and then Jared telling his mum and both of them being amazing and a lot of support we had so much support around us it was defiantly reassuring knowing that whatever we did we had support. I totally cried about it I thought I could do it, I thought we could do it I totally went through that stage which I’m guessing is 100% natural I think I always knew we would go through with the termination but I always obviously toyed with the idea of starting our little family. It’s not just a women’s thing and I’m not saying anyone else has the right to tell you what you should do but for us in a relationship as a couple we had to come to this agreement together and that was such an important step because if we weren’t on the same page this process totally could have ended our relationship Jared was petrified he was terrified of being a dad at that stage in our lives but I never felt pressured it was never a do this or I’ll leave or anything like that, I feel so grateful for his support during this time we didn’t tell anyone apart from our parents and his boss none of our friends knew and I didn’t even tell my boss I made up a story about having a cyst hat I needed removed and I had to go to Wellington to have it done so I’d need a few days of work after, she totally bought it I had googled the shit out of it so she had no reason to question it. I think my biggest fear was that I would'nt be able to have children and that did scare me but I was under such great care at the wellington clinic I was quickly put to ease and obviously now I have two amazing children, I remember driving home from Wellington and seeing that house in Paraparaumu (I think ) where they have that house with all the pro life signage and it being quite confronting but me being me I joked about it I coped wth humour it still makes me kind of mad that that is intentionally there knowing thats the one road for anyone out of Wellington.

Termination is a hard one to talk about it’s such a debated topic and it’s either your for it or you’re not and people are so passionate about their views, the main reason I didn’t tell my boss at the time was because I was terrified of how they would react I was so sacred that she might hold different views to me and I didn’t even want to go down that road because it can really change the way people see you, it’s kind of sad that I couldn’t even tell her because I was scared of what she would think like just imagine how women in certain environments would deal with these issues?!

It’s not an easy process but it’s also not a super hard thing to seek out either especially compared to other parts of the world, we are so fortunate that terminations can be performed safely here in New Zealand because weather they are done in an unsafe environment or not they are still being done throughout the world. I have read of people having to do them at home on themselves which is so dangerous or people having to travel huge distances to then have the termination performed by underground clinics without trained medical professionals and you can only imagine the lack of hygiene this makes me so sad and mad all at the same time.

Here in New Zealand you see a doctor (your usual GP) and then you see another doctor normally just another doctor from the clinic you go to (it’s law in NZ that you have to have two different doctors sign you off) they will then refer you to a councillor you see alone which I think is super important so you aren’t ever pressured into anything by an over bearing mother or partner or anyone, then they Ok you to have the procedure. I found the whole process pretty stress free but by the time we had made that decision I was totally at peace with the whole process and our reasons and everything. (It's been a long time since I went through this process so it may well have changed ok)

Abortion is something that happens it happens for so many reasons it is not something we should judge someone on it is not a reason to be little someone or think they are any less of a person everyone has their reason and you never know what they are dealing with. It isn’t a decision that is taken lightly I’m sure of it I know for myself it wasn’t and believe it or not whatever your stereo typical picture in your head of who seeks out a termination is probably as far from reality, I know teens gals, single women, married women, young women, older women, abused women, addicted women, working women, religious women, ethnic women and normal women yep we are all normal women who have come to the conclusion that they cannot bring a child into whatever world they are in. It is that simple.

Obviously there is more we could do in some cases to prevent pregnancy but I can tell you from personal experience there also isn’t a hell of a lot that can be done to prevent some pregnancies, I cannot fathom why you would force a woman to bring a child into this world when they can’t be cared for in the best way possible or they will be in danger or they will be resented or they will be disadvantaged. I would love to know what pro-life campaigners do above and beyond to provide for those babies they think should be born into poverty, abuse and tragedy, seriously are you out there adopting these babies or donating to charities that help them or picking up the pieces when they are taken from their families in the most tragic circumstances?! I just don’t get it, what right do you have to take away another women’s rights.

This is me saying hey I had an abortion and I’m not a terrible person, I’m a fucking great mum and I made the best possible decision for myself and my future family at that point in my life, let’s have an open mind let’s not judge and lets just bloody support everyone, sisterhood and all that. I might have missed the mark, I might have pissed you off and I might have said something you don’t agree with but the flip side is this might reassure someone it might bring closure to someone and it might make you re think being such a judgy mc judge judge.

Peace and Love and be kind.

B xx

My friend Lucy read this first like she does anything I think might be controversial she said its great but its full of grammatical errors and spelling mistake, soz about that hahaha