They say don’t work with animals and children and who ever said that first they were kidding which is why it’s stuck around so long I guess, you know because it’s so bloody true! Now let me paint the scene for you like let me get this really going in your mind, we woke yesterday morning sometime around 4am and then we proceeded to head to the airport through thick as fog where I made us turn around half way there because I had forgotten my phone and I CANNOT forget my phone so we get in the drive way and I’m like I’ll just be a minute and my mum’s all this is why we left five minutes early and as soon as I jump out of the car I’m like DW team it’s in my back pocket and I had it all along and Jared’s all like you’re a shit head B and I’m like soz and Ruby’s like fuck you mum and Rocky’s like I love you know matter what, ok so that went off on a tangent but ya no.
So we get to the airport and it’s still foggy as shit and they are cancelling flights left right and center and Ruby is being cute as shit and people are trying to steal her (ok they’re not but they LOVE her), we get all up in there through security always a win then on the plane we go no stress on time wohoo it’s great. They get us all seated and these two guys get on last who are all these bitches are in our seats (no they didn’t say that but it would have been way more interesting if they did) and they flight attendant is all you’re in the wrong seats and the two baby girls are like well there were people in ours and then they move and turns out there wasn’t even people in their seats so it was awkward as hell and then we are all great that’s sorted lets go, but we don’t go we sit there for ages and ages and then the pilots like ok so there’s some fog issues and we are like no shit bro and he’s like we just have to sit here for another 20 minutes before we can go hopefully because flight control is having issues with a backlog and I’m like hallelujah (it’s already been over an hour) and then like thirty minutes later he’s like ok we are second in line 10 more minutes and in that time Rocky has said are we going yet 50 times and Ruby has farted a lot and Jared is in another row pretending he doesn’t know us and we have eaten all the snacks and used all the tissues and wipes and nappies and pretty much emptied the whole bag and it’s planemagedon it’s a nightmare but I’m a cool kid so I get it shit happens and you can’t change the weather so we are good but my butt cheeks hurt and I just want to go to sleep ha. We and it’s cool we eat diddy macs and head to the north shore for the phot shoot of the year with the mods of the year, but not before one of my worst toileting experiences of my life and I’m not talking about the kids this is all on me. I’m not 100%s sure why I’m telling you this but I am so yolo here goes, ok so I went to the toilet and was like I maybe need to poop but I might be ok so I was like fuck it just poop you might not get another chance till tonight and holding on that long well that’s not good for anyone so I poop and it’s fine nice and quiet and not smelly ok well not to smelly shit I should get some of that vip poop stuff?! So it’s fine I’m not in there for ages it’s quick and clean and what not but then I go to wipe my ass and there’s no fucking toilet paper just two big old cardboard rolls with nothing on them so I am all stay calm B you got this think think, it’s a real murder mystery like who done it sitcho I’m like how do I get out of this so I frantically search my pockets and I don’t even have a snotty old tissue tucked anywhere I mean what kind of mother even am I?! My first plan is to sit there and wait for someone to come in I mean it’s the McDonalds right by the airport super busy right? Wrong no one came I waited and waited and no one bloody came to my rescue at one stage I heard the water running and I thought it was a fellow female peeing so I was like erm excuse me is anyone there no reply then I was like erm could you just pass me some toilet paper under the door no reply then I realized it was just the toilet doing that run thing that happens and there was no one there so I had to make the d like do I wait for half an hour for someone to need to piss and then beg them to save me or do I just make the run for it?! I opted for run for it so I just bloody clenched those butt cheeks half pulled up my pants and I dashed so fast from one cubicle to the other like a lightning bolt then I slammed that door shut and sat down faster than you could say Yo B, it was a real adventure I tell you, no it wasn’t it was terrible like imagine if someone had walked it mid dash my butt cheeks hanging out and what not. I made it through and I am pleased to report I had basically drip dried whilst waiting for someone to come in under plan A and then I clenched my ass together so tight that upon sitting back down on toilet two there were no awks undie situations right before the big shoot and we made it out clean yo! OMG yep I just shared that story but hey I share it all and I can only hope people don’t find me disgusting but they laugh when their day was turning out shitty and now they have me being a dick to make their day better.
Ok so the reason we flew to Auckland was for a super fun wee photo shoot with Superette shit it was dope but in my head I thought it would be doper, you see the kids were total assholes and I don’t use that term loosely they were absolute punks but I have seen my errors and well to be fair I pretty much fucked them over because
A- they were woken at 5am for a 6.30am flight and well that’s pretty shit.
B- they were sat waiting on an airplane for 1.5 hours while we waited for mother fucking ground control to be like you J Star flight blah blah blah you can get your ass onto this run way and head up into that really annoying fog
C- They had to sit at McDonalds for an hour while we waited for Jared to pick up our sweet sweet Auckland ride, ok so there’s worst things that could happen than being stuck at a diddy macs.
D- They were woken up and thrust into the lime light, only I love that.
E- I bribed the shit out of Rocky but it was with a we will go get a sick toy right after this instead of having that sick as toy that he wanted right then and there as a visual reminder of why he wasn’t allowed to act like a dick.
So basically we should have come to Auckland yesterday and had a good sleep and prepared the children (I mean Rocky) a little bit more and well maybe then we would have been the talent of the century like maybe then we would have been the bloody Gisele eating a burger at maccas bug no we were the fucking Rebecca Black to the music world. I guess the silver lining is
A- These babes ( I mean the girls working the shoot) were fucking fabulous not once did I feel like they hated us/regret asking us to be a part of the shoot, ok they probably 100% regretted it but they didn’t let on ha
B- They will wait until they are well into their thirties before they have kids and when they do they will never take them to a photo shoot.
C- My kids a ridiculously good looking so they look bloody fab screaming or smiling haha ok so I’m biased but seriously they are super photogenic just like Jared and they look cute when being a total dicks.
Basically we went first and set the bar so bloody high I’m pretty sure none of the other mums and babes in for the rest of the day would have topped us ha I’m obvs kidding by like 1000000% but do you know what it was fun, it was about being confident and having fun and shit we did both of those things. It could have been worse but I am a huge believer in embracing what you got and just having a good time so that’s what we did. The kid’s (Rocky) were hard work and it was challenging but it was fun and we just went with it because what the fuck else are you meant to do, embrace the crazy mama’s take all the opportunities that are thrown your way and love it. Be confident and love it because you got this.
Check out the wee interview we did on their blog here and then check out the photos that didn’t make the cut as well, there’s some goodies mates.