Rocky is two and a half and he's the devil child he is literally the biggest douche I know right now, I love him but shit mates I do not really like him. We are in week two of the terrible twos, I wrote once before about the pretty terrible twos which was basically me saying Rocky's a bit of a dick but he's not full blown terrible yet well fuck me sideways he's officially terrribley terrible. I had to write a biography for him at pre school and one part was your child's personality is... I listed things like "cheeky, smart, caring, independant, loving and funny he's such a cool kid" I then read it to Jared to see if he wanted to add anything, when I read that part he stopped me and said are you sure you want to use caring and loving? he suggested psychopath and evil. I insisted we had to show both sides and tried to convince myself he is loving when he goes in for a kiss and pulls back at last minute saying SUCKER and that he isccaring when he shares his toys with Ruby even if that means he's running over her with a dump truck (he's still sharing right?!).

I dont think many people admit to not liking their kid but I have really really struggled with him this week (ok for the past few weeks), I know there are so many things to consider though and I'm aware I need to cut him some slack but when all I have is whining coming at me every time he speaks it's hard to be like ok your dealing with some shit I get that and I'm going to cut you some slack. I have always believed kids are super intuitive and Rocky is so aware of his surroundings, every morning this week he has woken up and said something along the lines of is daddy still sleeping? or daddy will be home soon? obvs on both occasions I have just been like erm nah mate he's not sleeping well he is like he's probably relishing his sleep ins but he's not here sleeping oh and nah bo he aint coming home any time soon soz. He knew what was happening the week leading up to Jared leaving and he knows that right now he can push my buttons big time and get a reaction, it's frustrating on so many levels and honestly I am sitting here in the corner thinking what the shit am I doing?! I'm just rocking back and forth with cold sweats it's that bad. I'm terrified and for someone who normally has an answer I don't I'm actually so past the point of knowing what to do.

I guess at this point he has so many things stacked against him Jareds just gone, I'm working, his diet has turned to shit and we are not mates me and him. I'm 100% serious when I say I look forward to going to work and not being around him but you know what I can also say I actually feel no guilt about that ha I dont care you can tell me he's a blessing and I should want to hold him close and spend so much time with him to teach him and nurture him and wipe his ass but in all truth I literally could not spend 24/7 with him right now, I am so happy for someone else to wipe his ass and someone else to make him take a nap and someone else to say no to a biscuit for breakfast like I'm just tired of him.

Now dont trip I love him so much like soooooooo much I love Rocky and Ruby equallly but right now in this moment I am struggling to parent him, I have lost the postive parent in me and I need to work super hard to find it (bleieve it or not I'm actually all about positive parenting). He's such a babe, he's amazing, he's kind most of the time and he's so incredibly smart but he's also whiney, has 50 tantrums a day, cries over nothing and then throws and hit's and has so much sass it's totally beyond me. I would bloody love to say I am reasonable and speak to him in a calm tone and respect him expressing his feelings by allowing him to loose is shit in a safe enviroment before explaining his actions and punishing him with love but truth is I am so frustrated that I am yelling and yanking and putting him in timeout to let him sceram his little heart out. If someone came to me tomorrow wanting a what would you do because they have a toddler acting the same way I would have the most perfect answers and act like I had my shit so together when really I am crying into a bowl of brownie and iceceram (I'm literally doing this as I type) because I have failed Rocky and have lost my shit one to many times when all he needs right now is my support. I know I need to be patient and go back to basics and first on the list is cutting the crap out of his diet (again) I have done this numerous times and everytime it works amazing but then something else happpens and again its easier to let him have noodles for breakfast and a biscuit for breakfast round two, I know he needs some boundries because he's gone from having mum and dad to just mum, I know he needs me to listen, understand and work with him to help solve his frustrations and I know I need to be kinder to his body, I need to stop yanking him when he's pushing Ruby's face into the carpet and stop dragging him off to his room when I just cant take his screaming and crying any more oh and I know I need to bargain with him better when he doesnt want to get dressed insetad of pinning him down and stripping him then shoving the nearest items of clothes on him in the morning.

I am going through a tough time right now I mean my world has been turned upside down as well as far as family dinamics goes but if that's whats happening in my big adult world where I have all the coping skills I need imagine how my little sweet boy will be feeling with all these things happening around him, I need to take a step back breath a bit more and then tackle my strong spirited babe as a team me and him working through it all together. He might not be the easiest kid to be around at the moment but he is still my rad Rocky who I cant imagine life with out, who tonight when I was tucking him in and when he was fucking around with his teddies getting worked up becasue they werent in the right positions (he's a bit OCD) I became frustrated and I spoke to him in a way he didn't deserve I raised my voice and I threatened to take his teddies away beacsue I was ready to shut that god damn door and have the night off when he looked at me and said shhh Mama, I asked him why and he said shhh Mama because your yelling at me.

My heart broke and I kissed him 100000000000000000000 times because he deserved my love and afffection and understanding and pateince he in that moment reminded me that he needs me just as much as I need him and we are in this together, we might not like each other every second of the day but we will always love each other every second of the day.

B xx