We are going through some shit right now and it’s serious… We my friends have started a sticker chart.
And fuck me it’s going terrible like we are probably the world’s worst sticker parents, you know when you try get your kids pumped for something so you bloody go on and on and on about it all the frekin time? Yep well we did that you know we were all yo Rocky look at this dope sticker chart mum whipped up on word, yes yes I know it’s a master piece but that’s not why we are talking about it, you see Rocky we are talking about it because you my dear little devil child you have to stay in your bed all bloody night long and until at least 6am if you want a sticker. Kapesh? Ok? So you totally understand? Great so three stickers gets you a toy and then next time it will be four stickers gets you a toy and then five stickers gets you a toy and then seven stickers gets you a toy and then you’ll probably be like five because you have no idea what’s going on and you really don’t get this whole sticker chart thing and then when your five and still not staying in your own mother fucking bed we will probably just move you into the cupboard under the stairs whack a lock on it start calling you Harry and then get you a pet called Dobby. That got a bit out of hand obvs I am joking but seriously I feel like it will take us two years to get the sticker chart up and running.
He says he gets it but seriously it’s like talking to a door, he’s a smart kid like he could con you out of a five dollar note and then still make you pay for his ice-cream but he just isn’t that great at sticker charts. The first night he woke up at midnight which he NEVER does and he’s like ok where’s my sticker and I’m like bro this will get you a minus sticker because it’s fucking midnight and you haven’t even made it through he night!! He’s like yeah but I woke up and I stayed in my own bed so where’s my sticker (face palm) this was the worst like did he just out smart me? Basically he screamed, I screamed, he cried, I cried, I yelled at Jared, he yelled at Jared, Ruby cried, Rocky’s door was shut, Rocky’s door was open, I rubbed his back, he demanded more back rubbing, I wanted to strangle him (but didn’t obvs), he wanted his sticker and this went on for an hour before I grabbed that god damn white flag raised it high above my tired little head and surrendered to King Rocky. I think it is important to note that this is not the norm the point of the sticker chart wasn’t to get him to stay all night in his own bed because he woke up numerous times a night or was trying to watch paw patrol at 3am but he was creeping like a seedy little mother fucker into our bed every morning around 5am which is cute for some but for me it’s kind of like putting pins in my eyeballs, it is not cute I repeat it is not cute. So I waved that flag around Rocky grabbed it and made it his bitch then we clambered on into the comfort of mum and dads bed and well we slept, you see when you get to a certain point on the tired mum radar you sleep and you sleep like lame old purple wiggle Lauchie and you sleep good, so sleep we did until I woke to a toe in my face and a dribble patch shaped like a unicorn next to me so I swiftly picked that little sucker up and discarded him back to his own bed because Rocky if your into putting toes in mouths you can suck your own toe to sleep. Moral of that story is don’t hype your bloody kids sticker chart up too much or they won’t be able to switch of and it will literally wakes them up at midnight because you made it such a big deal and it’s their life now.
I guess technically I won but what happens in the morning when he’s all I woke up in my own bed where’s my sticker bitch and I’m all well technically you woke up in your bed but you had a fucking party in ours at midnight! And he will be all well where’s that in the rule book and I’ll be all you know there’s know god damn rule book so well played sir well played. Then he will smirk like sleazy Jonesy and waltz on out to the sticker chart and place that sticker on with pride all while I’m trying to keep my eyeballs open thinking what the fuck just happened?!
He didn’t quite get it though.
Not at all because right after placing that sticker on he’s like where my toy? And I’m like erm no home boy the toy comes when you’ve got three stickers on that super well designed chart and have earned them by sleeping through the night THREE times. It went really well he just gazed up at me lovingly and said ok Mama I understand and I will adhere to these guidelines I cannot wait to go to sleep tonight and stay in my own bed until 7am and then get up and place my sticker on and then repeat and then happily pick the cheapest toy ever and be so happy and appreciative and I will not have a tantrum about all this at all, never I hate tantrums and I will not lose my shit over this.
He totally lost his shit.
So I walked away because I thought that was a great idea for both of us ya know like I’d give him some space to build that bridge and get the fuck over it and I didn’t have to look at him which was a bonus, it seemed like a faultless plan he seemed to have built that bridge pretty quick so I was all super impressed until I realised he had added the other stickers to the chart so it looked like he has slept three great nights because there were stickers in the boxes for Tuesday and Wednesday as well as the conned but hardly earned Monday box.
Fuck balls Rocky this is not how it works!! Que round two of tantruming and me all fuck my life.
Seriously what Pinterest mum invented shitting sticker charts.
I am coming for you with so many stickers you won’t know what hit you, like you love stickers that much I’m going to kill you with stickers. How you like stickers now sticker bitch!
Oh look the wiggles are on great go and watch them and I’ll casually de sticker your chart for you so you are back to just the stupid fraudulent Monday sticker and then tomorrow we will do this all over again and I’m so bloody excited this sticker chart was such a great idea yay yay yay.
I’m not even going to tell you how day two went.
Here’s a hint he didn’t earn a sticker.
It went down so well.