So twice now I have gotten my vag out at Caci clinic, well I didn’t just go in there and whip my pants off saying look at my vagina but I made an appointment and went and got my lady bits dealt to. Basically I got a message from a mate one day who said yo B want to get your flaps lasered and without any questions I was all I’m in there like swim wear so when I found out a bit more I was pretty relieved that it was through Caci and not a dodgy wee shop down a side street because bloody nora I am pretty fond of my peach.
I’ve had my first two sessions; I did snap about it but I didn’t really go into too much detail of the actual treatment it was more my recount of the events that unfolded that you guys loved. So here I am writing it all down for you to peruse over and lol hard, like really hard also it doesn’t even matter it the actual treatment hurts because someone lint rolled my vagina.
Yep I had a lady lint roll my box she was nice enough about it but I don’t know if I would be whipping the lint roller out on my first date (it wasn’t a date I realise this but yano it was our first meeting). I walked in and met my therapist (soz don’t remember your name) and it was all fun and games you know the usual beauty therapist banter how’s your day been ok cool so if you just get naked from your waist down and hop up on that bed, I’ll leave the room and come back in a few minutes. Then you awkwardly fold up you undies and place them discreetly inside your pants because you didn’t wear your best knickers or in my case you literally wore and old pair of Jared’s undies that you forgot you were wearing until it came to that awkward time of un robing which was a total rookie mistake I realise this now and then you climb up onto the bed and cover yourself up with the strange towel or blanket and you don’t really know if you should sit up or lie down or how much your meant to cover up arghhhhh it’s a nightmare and then your awkwardly looking around waiting for that sheepish knock where the therapist is just hoping that you’ve got your ass up onto that bed and covered yourself up, who am I kidding she’s seen it all before she doesn’t care if your butt naked with your fanny and your mum hemeroidds hanging out ok to be fair she probably does care and if she doesn't have kids your probably going to put her off for life and if she does have kids then she's probably thinking aha I feel your ain sister.
This is where it got fun she whipped back the towel and immediately said is it fine if I take some pictures and I’m all yeah sure why not when secretly I’m like wait is that a good angle I don’t want to look chubby down there in these pictures because I only get one shot at this vagina paparazzi thing and I need to make the most of it. That was fine she really didn’t go to in depth just a basic vag shot from above yano nothing dodge about it and then she kind of looked a bit closer and said ohh we will need to trim that and I’m like oh ok cool thanks for giving me that great confidence boost but at the same time I’m like what did I expect I haven’t dealt to that yeti in yonks #mumlife so out came the trimmers and away she goes really working the clippers to get all those little niggly bits of hair at this point I’m thinking ok cool but what the shit is she going to do with the hairs that are literally everywhere, I gave it some good though but I never saw what was coming next.. she turns around and comes back armed with a bloody lint roller like the thing that Jared obsessively uses 20 times a day and before I know it she’s down there lint rolling my vagina at first I was like woah what’s happening here but then after she got going I was like OMG this is genius why have I not thought of this before? Ok I realise I don’t often have a use for lint rolling down there but if I did ever need to pick up a whole bunch of pubes this is totally the way to go that was fine we got past the lint roller and the erm your mum vagina is far too hairy so I’m going to need to trim it with these massive clippers oh and the porn shots (they were real PC and not porny at all don’t worry).
Then you put on some rad glasses like the kind of glasses your dad wore in the nineties when he picked up a pair from the local BP, this is where the fun stops and you are like wholly shit is she burning my vagina? Like I’m not going to lie it really does hurt a lot but at the same time it is over so bloody fast that pain is seriously nothing. I was so unprepared I didn’t ty and find out about it before I went in there I was just winging it and so I didn’t have time to process how much it was going to hurt until she zapped me that first time OMG I could have cried but I didn’t I was stealth as. The lady had said that all reactions were normal she said women swear and hit out and yell this made me feel great because all I had happening was this weird jumpy twitch thing so basically every time she zapped I jumped and my leg would kind of just jolt out flail around then go back to being normal all for it to happen again and again like stuck on repeat, you kind of prepare yourself as she goes in and it makes this click noise but nothing prepares you for what it feels like.
So it I’ve described your worst nightmare it’s totally fine because literally it’s over in what feels like minutes I’m not 100% sure of how long it actually takes but it totally isn’t longer than ten minutes, it’s bloody fantastic let me tell you this ten minutes of pain is a million times worth it for a life time of smooth vagina summers and winters because winter is when us baby mama’s really reallyget hairy and then the baby daddy’s start complaining because there’s pubes poking him on the back when your snuggling him at night.
So two treatments in and I’m already so happy with how laser is working for me and my lady mates down there, I was so surprised how quickly the treatment worked and how much the hair didn’t grow back after my first treatment I would love to show you some pics but I can already hear the backlash now hahahaha basically though I have a smooth Vag with the odd bushy patch of stubborn trestles, I’m so excited to see how it looks after the next session (yep my life is that sad).
Thank you Caci for giving my mum vag a makeover.