So here’s the thing I’ve got a valentine but he’s working and well we don’t do valentines because A we are poor as shit and B It’s a waste of fucking money ha. Seriously we are saving our little butts off to get into a home of our own so why would we waste a trailer of cash on gifts for bae, don’t get me wrong if he turns up with a bloody great gift I’m not going to say no but I know he won’t haha so I’m going to share with you all how to enjoy valentines on yo own (as soon as I typed that all I could think of was dildos and vibrators awks soz).

I’ve put together my top trashy mum things to watch on Netflix and also my top things to binge on whilst watching and then my top list of places to pick up boy’s no I’m kidding but I’ve also included my top 10 eye candy lads.

 Oh and my top drinks.

Now let’s freaky again totally kidding I just feel like this is the sleaziest think I’ve ever written like every time I go to write something I’m like whoa B chill take it down a notch this isn’t no Christian grey shit. Now on that topic basically the best way to celebrate valentines alone would be get a baby sitter and hit the local cinema for 50 shades of grey because apparently its great I haven’t seen it because I didn’t get invited to some flash premiere with free ice-cream basically I get invited to nothing in CHCH but things in Auckland all the bloody time go figure, any who I was saying go to that movie and sit on a towel and eat ice-cream and if you’re a real bad mum then smuggle in a frekin bladder of cask wine so that you can get shit faced on the cheap! My suggestion would be wear a dress and strap it to the inside of your thigh so that you can just pop your glass up your skirt and turn the tap then whala you have some vino and you stayed classy as shit and within budget!

Right lets really get down to the nitty gritty you need to plan your day you need to get yo kids in bed super early or just on time, think ahead have tea prepped or the takeaways ordered and you bath them at like 4pm feed them at like 5pm then pretend the books are all broken and the bathroom doesn’t work so they can’t go toilet 50000000 times or drink a gazillion litres of waters right on bedtime. Just adopt the fuck it mantra and let those kids take what they want to bed and then deal with the mess tomorrow this include a bag of KFC chips and a KFC drink of lemonade (true story Rocky took these items to bed the other night because I could not be fucked and the world was still as we knew it come the next morning) if you have locks use those and if you don’t get some asap. Play the white noise and leave the vacuum on and have the lula doll going all at the same time it will be worth it I swear.

Right now that that’s taken care of again it sounds like you put your kids to bed like that so you could have ravishing sex but in reality you are going to get cosy on your catch all alone because your man is working or you don’t have one or your booty call was busy on a date with his mum for valentines or your hubby just doesn’t give a fuck and is playing PlayStation. First things first pick your poison my top mums night in booze suggestions are

  • Beer, you should know by now I’m a beer drinker so obvs this is my top pick but might I suggest you go all out don’t reach for the Speights get a pure blonde or something (low carbs ya’ll)
  • Wine, I don’t drink wine like ever so I’m just going to say my household drinks a whole lot of Pinot Noir and Pinot Gris but my top pick would be my mate Anna’s Rosé called Master or ceremonies
  • Lewis Road Creamery liqueur, again I wouldn’t touch the stuff but social media says its good.
  • Dark and Stormys, this is my mum and her mates go to drink so it must be good right?
  • Vodka, just get a cheap on they’re all the same when you wake up in the morning right?

Now get that Netflix hooked up, do you have a smart TV? If you don’t you really need one they are so great like you just turn Netflix on with the bloody push of a button no more hooking the TV up or turning on the PlayStation when you barely know how to turn it on you just use that cool TV in your lounge. I haven’t really gone with a love theme I’ve kind of just gone with terrible trashy things I have watched and enjoyed and I hope you will to but you might not and if you don’t soz but sometimes watching a show about a virgin who’s pregnant really is worth the gamble. Log out of that kids account I know you have and get the wiggles theme song out of your head there’s no pepper pigs around her just you and your telly and that guy from Dawson’s creek. Here we go

  • Jane the Virgin.. There’s only one season on Netflix so far (boo) but I’m pretty sure season two is done and it can’t be too far away?! It’s actually the best so basically there’s jane and she gets knocked up but she’s a virgin and there’s a couple of hot guys and then a washed up Latino tele nova star and that’s all I’ll say because you must watch this and it’s just so good like I can’t rave enough everything about it is amazing!
  • Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.. This is so great well it’s so terrible but that makes it so great, so Kimmy is kidnapped and put in this bunker cult thing and then gets out and then lives her life as the happiest little fluffy marshmallow girl. It’s actually the worst there’s this really amazing guy called titan and then a crazy landlord it’s quite great.
  • The Delivery man.. An ex-cop turns midwife. It’s British and it is funny but also cringe worthy like really cringe worthy and it’s a bit odd but I watched it all ha.
  • Don’t trust the b in apt 23.. This one has been my latest obsession, it kept popping up like watch it because you like lame shit and this is lame too.
  • Life happens.. I have a theme here with the dark haired actress I don’t actually know her name I probably could have IMBD’d her but I didn’t ha, it has great actresses but it’s a terrible movie. Just be warned once you start watching you won’t stop watching there’s a baby and we all love baby’s then there’s Kate Bosworth and she’s so hot right?!

If you would rather go classic here’s some old fave’s you can’t go past.

  • 10 things I hate about you
  • Pretty woman
  • My best friend’s wedding
  • How to lose a guy in 10 days
  • Wedding date
  • The proposal
  • Crazy stupid love
  • You again
  • Sweet home Alabama
  •  Valentine’s day

Food is important ok it’s seriously important when it comes to re fuelling and sustenance to go all night… just watching Netflix mates there’s no chill remember we are all alone on V day. I would recommend going with a platter for one or for like five people but it’s just you the one person eating it. Go to your supermarket obvs earlier in the day like don’t go now whilst your children are sleeping because that’s 100% illegal remember it’s all about the prep work and you prep that shit earlier in the day! Get your fave snacks I would be going with

  • feta and garlic upper cuts with the spinach and feta dip OMG it’s the best combo
  • Get yo self some good bloody cheese I’m a sucker for a creamy one like Havarti but I love cheese so I’ll almost take anything
  • Some salami or something meaty because remember it’s the only meat you will be getting tonight!
  • Some relish or something to moisten he crackers and bread with first
  • Bread get the most amazing fresh bread you can find and have some warm butter handy
  • Crackers I’m not fussy I’ll go with anything from bloody snax to saladas
  • Fruit? Keep it a little healthy?

I don’t really know what I’m talking about now but you get the gist so let’s move on to chocolate

  • Get your fave chocolate the one that really does it for you, mine is rolo like a big old block of rolo and I’d happily go without sex for the next month ok if I had heaps of blocks of rolo I’d go without sex but maybe not for that long?!
  • Ice-cream, you need good ice-cream I would personally go with a tub of Lewis Road chocolate ice-cream, you can’t go wrong.
  • Cake buy a cake it’s valentines mates like every blood shop that sells a cake has cake for sale today and I bet it will be good cake.

Here is the part I know you’ve been waiting for it’s my top ten hot guys oh maybe I should just do five because ten is quite hard and I don’t want to be judged too much haha?

  • Tom Hardy (ultimate hall pass)
  • Ryan Gosling (I love a wee white kid at heart)
  • Bruno Mars (How can you not want him after you hear chunky)
  • Asap Rocky (yep I’d totally tug on his braids ha)
  • Both Hemsworth brothers (at the same time?!)

Shit that was weird and hard like I was trying to sound cool but also pick guys I would 100% bang, also if you didnt notice I kind of go for the opposite of Jared ha.

Right that is basically me for tonight I hope I have given you some inspo for your lonely valentine’s day date night, don’t feel down about it there will be so many of us out there lapping up Netflix and wine whilst be either pissed or depressed or stoked about life! I might get a booty call when Jared arrives home from work at like 7.30am but I probably won’t because I’ll have one if not two kids in my bed and well I think that’s a bit weird right?! So in reality I’ll give him a kiss as he gets into bed and then he will tell me my breath is really bad and I’ll be all oh fuck off and then it’ll be real romantic as I wrangle the tiny tribe into the lounge in my massive blue fluffy dressing gown and he hopes into bed for the day.

With or without a lover I hope it is still magical, who am I kidding its fucking valentine’s day it’s a bloody con and a waste of money but then in saying that I’ve just wasted a whole heap of your precious kid free time telling you to get your valentine’s on so yolo.

Also drink responsibly you’re on mum duty in the morning, yep happy valentine’s day hangover.

B xx